In addition to lasting forever, love between two people is supposed to be unconditional.
When you commit to loving someone, you love them at their best and their worst.
Trying to change something about them, like how they dress or how they style their hair, might seem like a mild offense but is actually a sign of conditional love, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Distinct-Date-4306 and his girlfriend had very different approaches to fashion, with him expressing himself with comfortable clothes and band t-shirts while his girlfriend was well-versed in the fashion industry.
While he accepted their differences, when he came home and saw what his girlfriend had done, the Original Poster (OP) realized that she did not accept him in the same way.
He asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting for getting the ick after my girlfriend tried to ‘surprise’ me with a new wardrobe?”
The OP and his girlfriend had different perspectives when it came to clothes.
“I’m a pretty simple dude when it comes to clothes. Band tees, jeans, sneakers, that’s my uniform.”
“My girlfriend (24 Female) is really into fashion, likes to follow all the trends, spends hours on Depop, the whole deal.”
“We’ve been together for almost two years, and she’s always made little comments about how I could ‘elevate’ my style, but I’ve always just laughed it off. I thought she was just messing with me.”
The OP was shocked when his girlfriend used him as her next fashion project.
“Well, yesterday, I got home from work, and my entire closet was different.”
“She had taken a personal day, gone through all my stuff, and bagged up half of it to donate.”
“In its place, she hung up a bunch of new stuff, linen shirts, tailored trousers, and these weird platform sneakers.”
“She was standing there with this huge smile, so proud of herself, and said she wanted to do something nice for me and help me ‘level up.'”
The OP felt betrayed.
“I was honestly speechless for a minute. I didn’t know whether to laugh or be mad.”
“I finally asked her where my stuff was, and she said it was in the hall closet, waiting to go to Goodwill, but that I could ‘go through it later if I really wanted.'”
“She kept going on about how good I was gonna look and how we could go on nicer dates now.”
“I just felt this massive wave of ‘ick’ wash over me.”
“I told her she had no right to touch my stuff and that it was kind of disrespectful.”
The OP’s girlfriend accused him of being ungrateful.
“Her face dropped, and she got super defensive, saying she was just trying to be a good girlfriend and that I was being ungrateful and overreacting to a gift.”
“She’s been crying in the bedroom for like an hour, and now I feel like a total jerk.”
“But like, am I wrong for feeling violated? It’s just clothes, but it’s also my stuff, you know?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some cringed at how toxic the OP’s girlfriend’s “kind gesture” felt.
“Someone changing out your whole wardrobe without a conversation and agreement is aggressive. It’s one thing to get some new clothes here or there, but it’s not okay to think you can decide how someone else dresses. NOR.” – Virtual_Werewolf_935
“NOR. The best option would be to ask for consent, which she didn’t do.”
“For example, I would love to go on a fancy date with us dressed up. I would like to buy you a fancy shirt for that occasion. Would you like to go shopping with me so that we can find one we both think is fitting for that kind of occasion?”
“In the situation described by OP, there is no consent, no respect for the other person.” – compassion-companion
“Here’s a direct translation for that whole closet transformation: ‘I’m embarrassed by how you look when we’re out together.'”
“Ick indeed.”
“That wasn’t a gift for you, it was a gift for herself.” – OneJury8863
“She literally said they CAN GO on nicer dates NOW. ICKKKK.”
“She literally ADMITTED the ‘gift’ wasn’t about making OP happy, it was about making herself less embarrassed to be seen with him. That’s not love, that’s vanity.”
“And now she’s crying because he didn’t thank her for basically saying ‘you’re not good enough for me as you are’? The audacity is stunning.”
“NOR at all, this gives major ick, and OP should seriously reconsider if he wants to be with someone who sees him as a project to fix rather than a person to love.” – Top_Plankton2639
“The girlfriend didn’t consider OP as a person and thought he was a toy doll to dress up to play with.”
“I could see if there were going to be a wedding, a funeral, or an event at a fancy restaurant, when someone only ever wears jeans and tees, asking, ‘Do you have something appropriate to wear to my cousin’s wedding or would you like me to go shopping with you?'”
“Otherwise, after the girlfriend made one comment about ‘elevating’ his wardrobe, and he did not respond by saying, ‘Okay,’ or, ‘Yes, I’d like some help with that,’Â she needed to leave it alone after that. She needs to either accept the guy as he is or go away and leave him alone, and let him find a girl who appreciates him just as he is.”
“When I met my husband, he was a jeans, very old t-shirt, and sandals guy. We’d been dating about two years when my father died, and I’d never seen him in anything other than jeans, old t-shirts, and sandals, and an occasional bathing suit. LOL.”
“When my father died, I asked him, ‘Do you have a suit and tie to wear to the funeral? Would you like me to help you shop for one?’ and he, surprisingly, said he’d take care of it. I explained about the viewing, the church service, and the graveside service as he was from another country and a different religion with slightly different rituals.”
“Come the day of the viewing, he showed up in a suit with a nice shirt, tie, coordinating socks with dress shoes, and he drove us and escorted my mother and me into the funeral parlor as if he’d been doing it all his life! He even had a handkerchief to offer to my mother when she needed one.”
“He showed up for the church service and graveside service the following day with the same suit and dress shoes on and wearing a new shirt, tie, socks, and a fresh hankie and, again, drove us and escorted my mother and me as if he’d been doing this for years.”
“Twenty years later, as he donned that same suit for a young family member’s graduation, he told me that he had gone to a men’s suit warehouse-type place dressed in his usual jeans, old t-shirt, and sandals, found a salesman and said, ‘This is how I dress. I have no other clothes other than this, and my fiancée’s dad just died, and there is a viewing, church service, and graveside thing, and I need to be dressed appropriately to show respect to her dad, her, and her family. Can you advise me, please? My budget is $x amount of money.'”
“After being fixed up with the clothing, he went to a United Methodist Church near where he lived (four hours from where I lived, attended church, etc) and told the minister, ‘My girlfriend’s dad just died. I am going up to stay with her for the week for all the services: there is a viewing, a church service, a graveside service, and a reception at the house. What do I need to know about how to act to keep from embarrassing myself, her, or her family? I am from a different religion in this other country, but they are all United Methodist, and I want to do what I can to show my respect and support. What do I need to know and how do I act?'”
“All I can say is that he must have spoken to the right salesman and the perfect minister because he was flawless in how he looked and acted!”
“We all deserve someone like that, OP. NOR.” – Proverbs21-3
Others pointed out that there was a tasteful way to approach swapping out someone’s closet.
“My bestie’s wife was bored with his wardrobe, so she sent him out with a personal shopper. He had a great time buying new stuff that was still very him. That’s how you do it.” – Littlepotatoface
“There are ways to help a partner find clothes that are a better fit, but this isn’t it.”
“When my parents first met, my dad wore a lot of dull yellowish brown. That was not a great colour on him. So every Christmas, my mother would get him one nice shirt or sweater in a colour she thought would look better. He’d add it to the rotation for a few months and give feedback.”
“Over the course of two decades, they figured out a colour palette that looks good on him and that he likes. No clothes were tossed unless they had literal holes in them that couldn’t be fixed.”
“That said, I do wonder if OP may be the kind of guy who absolutely refuses to dress nicely or formally for special occasions. That’s a whole separate issue. Dressing for an occasion is just part of basic respect and social norms. It still wouldn’t excuse what the gf did, though. But it might explain her frustration.” – MathAndBake
“My boyfriend has all band shirts, and we like to go on nice dates, so occasionally, when I find a cool shirt in his style that’s more dressy, I buy it for him. The first shirt I bought him is his favorite, though, and I doubt I’ll ever beat it.” – puddlebearmom
“NOR. If she wanted you to have nicer clothes for fancier dates, she could’ve just gifted you some while leaving your closet alone.”
“Gifts should be given unconditionally, and you could add the ones you liked to your closet and donate the others to someone in need. But you’d still be gradually adding new pieces to your closet for those fancy schmancy dates she wants to go on.” – Telly94
“My husband has always worn punk shirts and jeans, Converse or Vans kinda guy. I mean, pretty much forever. He looks good in it, and he likes it; he’s got a few outfits for special occasions and s**t, but yeah.”
“I don’t see why she didn’t just say, ‘Hey, I got xyz, so we can go to xyz for a date,’ or whatever. Like, simple as that. The fact she didn’t and overhauled it tells me she downright doesn’t like his style and wants him to change it so he’s ‘on her level’ fashion-wise, which is a major ick.” – chronictwink30
Maybe the girlfriend had the best intentions, but the fact that she was immersed in the fashion industry and even stressed during the wardrobe reveal, saying they could now go on fancier dates, screamed of conditional love and red flags.
It was okay for the girlfriend to love fashion, and for the OP to love comfort, but they could only be together if they could equally love each other for their individuality and differences, rather than one of them treating the other like a project.