Bachelor parties were, at one time, the groom’s counterpart for the bride’s wedding shower. Both were traditionally arranged by the best man and maid of honor, respectively.
Once brides started wanting an equivalent to the parties grooms got, bachelorette parties took off. Bridal showers became more about family, especially elders, and the bachelorette party was a time to gather with bridesmaids and the younger crowd.
Then one night parties became weekends became week long trips to exotic—expensive—locations.
The problem with all this one-upmanship is that not everyone can afford a week in Bora Bora or Bangkok to celebrate Chad or Mandi’s impending marriage.
A brother who’s facing such an issue turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
King0mar22 asked:
“AITA for stepping down as best man because I can’t afford my brother’s bachelor party plans?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (26, male) am supposed to be the best man for my older brother (29, male) this coming month. I love him, but he has always had champagne taste on a tap water budget, and he is obsessed with projecting a certain lifestyle on Instagram.”
“Last night, he called an emergency Zoom meeting with the groomsmen to discuss his bachelor party. I assumed we were going to rent a cabin, grill some steaks, and maybe go to a local brewery. Instead, he shared his screen and presented a literal PowerPoint for a four-day ‘VIP’ bender in Las Vegas.”
“The plan includes splitting a penthouse suite, booking premium bottle service at two different nightclubs, and renting exotic cars for one afternoon. After the call, he emailed us a breakdown of costs. My share of the weekend, not including my own flights or gambling money, came out to just over $3,500.”
“To make it worse, he also included a mandatory ‘squad uniform’ in the budget. He wants us all to buy matching maroon velvet blazers and wear this incredibly tacky, oversized novelty roulette watch so we ‘look like absolute legends’ walking across the casino floor. I literally cringed reading the itinerary.”
“The absolute irony here is that while he is demanding his friends max out their credit cards to fund his influencer fantasy, he is notoriously cheap when it comes to his own wallet.”
“His fiancée has mentioned before that he spends a lot of time trying to source the cheapest possible items online and that he recently ordered bulk groomsmen gifts from Alibaba to cut costs, so it feels strange that he’s comfortable asking us to spend this much.”
“I called him privately after the meeting and told him there is absolutely no way I can afford a four-thousand-dollar weekend. I work in logistics and I am trying to save for a house. I don’t have room in my budget for a trip like this, especially not on short notice.”
“He blew up at me, saying I’m not supporting him and that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event. He said as best man, I should be helping make it happen.”
“Now my parents are telling me to just put it on a credit card and deal with it later because ‘it’s your brother’s wedding’.”
“I told him if this trip is mandatory, I may need to step down as best man because I genuinely can’t afford it.”
“AITA for drawing that line?”
“I feel like I am losing my mind.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“It’s an action I’m considering and it’ll affect what might be my brother’s best day.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Well, your parents didn’t specify which credit card, so ask for theirs to put it on.” ~ L1mpD
“Your parents are f*cked up for telling you to put your credit on the line for something so frivolous. What if you had like an actual emergency and needed credit? So irresponsible.” ~ CactusCait
“Was going to say that your brother is not mature enough to get married. But then I saw your parent’s credit card comment…THEY don’t sound mature enough to be married and have children. Good lord, what is WRONG with people?”
“It is NOT a once-in-a-lifetime experience for groomsmen, and from what your brother sounds like, it’s unlikely to be once-in-a-lifetime for him either. Stay home, save your money, and have a nice dinner for yourself at home.” ~ DeepSpaceBubbles
“As long as you do not borrow from them (as in they pay fully without the expectation to get it back, in writing…)”
“Do not do it, its an insane amount of money, a house is way more important.”
“Freeze/check your credit,… check that neither he nor your parents have ever had access to your bank accounts… change passwords, if needed, phone plan.”
It sounds like entitled people are part of your family. Never ever trust entitled people. That includes locking your sleeping room, having good locks on stable furniture for your papers, too.”
“Be sure no one had the opportunity to make a copy of your key. Never give them an emergency key either. NTA, and good luck!” ~ BothTreacle7534
“This response from your parents is WILD. I was in your exact shoes 10 years ago with my sister’s wedding. She got engaged and planned a wedding in 4 months and wanted a trip to Nashville for her bachelorette party.”
“When I told her I couldn’t afford it (I was saving for my own wedding, a house and paying for college classes at the time) she freaked out at me. I went to my parents, and they told her to rein it in.”
“We did a night in the local city instead and her friends never paid me back for the hotel room. I asked her for help on that, and she told me that it’s none of her concern. Then her friends called me to scream at me and tell me I was a horrible sister.”
“My sister later went on a secret trip to Nashville with those same friends. They dubbed it her real bachelorette party. She hit a deer on her way home and was OK, but her car got totaled.”
“Anyway, I’m sorry your brother is being unreasonable. Looking back, I don’t regret not going into debt for my sister’s bachelorette trip. I personally made my bachelorette party as cheap as I could for my friends. It’s about the time spent together, not the money spent.” ~ majesticallymidnight
“NTA. I was thinking that if the parents wanted him to go so badly, they should foot the bill for his attendance. Don’t put your financial stability in jeopardy to fulfill his dream party.”
“I don’t know why these bachelor/bachelorette shindigs have gotten so out of hand. They used to be a night out (in town) and have morphed into multi-day destination extravaganzas that should be paid for by everyone except bride/groom.”
“It’s expensive enough to be in the wedding party for the wedding, but add on these parties and it is ridiculous.” ~ Ducky818
“Yeah, it’s really bizarre to me. Every single hen party (bachelorette) I’ve been to, the person organising it has made suggestions and asked about eveyone’s budget, and then made sure that the plan is for something that everyone can afford.”
“Ones I’ve done have been:”
“- Nice meal out followed by clubbing (eveyone except one weird woman) chipped in to cover the cost of the bride’s meal and drinks”
“- Hotel & Spa – the organiser found a deal which was dinner, bed and breakfast plus one small treatment (mani or pedi) plus use of the facilities like the pool, hot tub and sauna for a fixed price, within eveyone’s budget so all people had was their travel and drinks over the fixed fee (and the organiser made clear that they would look for other options if the budget was too high )”
“- Long weekend overseas – this was a small goup, and as the accommodation was a flat belonging to the groom it was very cheap, flights , food and a small contribution to cover utilities”
“- Spa day and meal out” ~ ProfessorYaffle1
“The family telling you to ‘put it on your credit card’ and go into debt is wild.”
“NTA. I gave my lil bro $500 as a wedding gift and he profusely thanked me. Seems your family has backward priorities.” ~ Darling_3000
“NTA – but your brother and family sure are. If your parents want you to join, then they need to pay you to do it.”
“Destination bachelor/bachelorette parties have never made sense to me – it’s a huge ask in terms of time and money. You shouldn’t be going into debt for HIS party and he shouldn’t be asking you to.” ~ CatDog4565
“I don’t mind the destination bachelor parties, but I do think people need to try to offer affordable ways to do it. Go to Vegas and get cheaper rooms and if people want to pony up for a suite, let them.”
“I also think the problem is frequently timing. People wanting destination bachelor/bachelorette parties when they are getting older and friends have wives and kids are just clueless.”
“I could afford it in my mid 20s, eat ramen for a few weeks, etc… But once I had a mortgage and family? I’m not breaking the budget to ditch my family.”
“Those who try it when they are younger have people who can’t afford it. There is a sweet spot (not for all) where people have some extra $ and time to do it, but then everyone expects it to be reciprocated 5 years later and it’s not realistic.” ~ Ok-Wonder851
“Tell your parents that being the best man at your brother’s wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and they are not being supportive if they don’t pay for it. Just tell them to put it on a credit card and deal with it later or something.” ~ Xerpentine
Going into debt for your own wedding is ill-advised.
Going into debt for someone else’s wedding is absurd.