Everyone wants to be noticed now and then.
Indeed, there is a marked difference between being vain and just wanting a compliment on an outfit, gesture, or accomplishment that we feel unusually proud of.
Sometimes, however, even a compliment doesn’t seem like enough, leaving us wanting more.
Or at least the compliment doesn’t feel like enough, given how it was presented.
Redditor Gold-Ground-3941 had a long-distance boyfriend.
The original poster (OP) was mostly happy in her relationship, save for her boyfriend’s words of affirmation, or lack thereof.
Something the OP eventually confronted him about, to less than wonderful results.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for getting mad that my boyfriend only calls me pretty!”
The OP explained why she was growing increasingly frustrated by her boyfriend’s limited vocabulary:
“For context, we are long-distance, been together for 8 months.”
“I (23 F[emale) live in NJ, and He (25 M[ale]) lives in Florida.”
“We talk every day like normal couples do, and we communicate amazingly!”
“When we started dating, I didn’t have the best self-image when it came to my appearance, but since being with him, he has made me realize I am more beautiful than I give myself credit!”
“Which I have always appreciated!”
“My main love language is words of affirmation, and he knows that.”
“He does decent at giving me compliments, but they’re always very dense!”
“He will only say I’m pretty, or cute, and it’s not as often as I would like to hear.”
“He uses such minuscule words to express my beauty, and I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t like me the way I thought.”
“I brought it up on multiple occasions recently, and all he does is get annoyed and say ‘you make it seem like I don’t compliment you!’, ‘I called you pretty is that not enough’ or ‘how is pretty not a good enough word?’”
“To me, it’s not specifically the word he chooses.”
“It’s the consistent use of pretty and cute.”
“He won’t expand his vocabulary to more expressive words that, in my opinion, are sweeter to hear!”
“Ex. ‘You’re the most beautiful girl in the world’.”
“’You’re are so hot!’”
“’You look very beautiful in ……’”
“You’re gorgeous.”
“And many more that, in my opinion, go further in expressing how you feel instead of just being pretty and cute.”
“It’s just starting to upset me bc now that I’m in a place where I can actually accept compliments without being repulsed, it’s hard to only hear pretty and cute.”
“Other men slide up and say wayyyyyyy more expressive statements than my own man.”
“So the question is Am I the Asshole for getting mad my boyfriend only calls me Pretty and Cute???!!”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally had little to no sympathy for the OP, generally agreeing that she was, indeed, the a**hole for demanding her boyfriend call her more than “cute.”
Nearly everyone agreed that the OP’s behavior erred on the vain side; she should have been happy to be getting any attention from her boyfriend, even if it’s not exactly how she might have wanted it:
“YTA.”
“Demanding very specific external validation under the guise of ‘love languages’ is an actually wild and unhealthy way to live.”
“This is toxic, OP.”- revengeofthebiscuit
“‘When we started dating, I didn’t have the best self-image.'”
“‘Since being with him, he has made me realize I am more beautiful than I give myself credit!”
“‘He does decent at giving me compliments, but they’re always very dense!'”
“‘He will only say I’m pretty, or cute, and it’s not as often as I would like to hear’.”
“So you went from insecurity to vanity.”
“This is why we can’t have nice things.”
“YTA.”- [deleted]
“So you’re saying you had a bad self-image, but he made you realise otherwise – sounds like he’s uplifting you plenty.”
“Saying he doesn’t compliment you as much as you want – yes you are very vain.”
“YTA.”- Yet_Another_Nerd_
“No, getting angry because he says ‘pretty’/’cute’ instead of ‘so hot’/’gorgeous’ is vanity.”-wesmorgan1
“OK, and what kind of ‘boy’ is he?”
“What do you give HIM that HE needs?”
“Honestly, you live hours apart. What’s the end game here?”
“Pretty, gorgeous..whatever.”
“How about ‘what do you value in life?'”
“‘What are your career goals’?”
“‘What was your family life like growing up?'”
“‘When can we see each other so we don’t have to rely on words typed on a screen and get in petty fights over it because all we really want is to be together in person, but we’re in this stupid long-distance relationship that could be going…nowhere?'”- LiveKindly01
“YTA, he’s not a performing monkey.”
“Honestly, in my experience, when people start nitpicking the small things, it usually means it’s time to break up.”- Signal_This
“YTA.”
“You’ve told him to use words of affirmation to make you feel loved and he does that.”
“Now you’re telling him the words he uses aren’t ‘good enough’ based on what?”
“You’re going to make him feel like his words aren’t good enough, and he will stop as complimenting you has become a minefield.”- vickynix11
“And you think it’s a real problem?”
“You don’t focus on anything else in this relation?”- Polish_girl44
“YTA for overthinking this.”
“The real issue is you have this internet friend who you don’t see in person, so he’s only getting to know you in a very narrow way.”
“If you were not in a LDR, there would be a full picture of you that involves more than what you can gain from face timing long distance.”
“Plus, your ex may have been incredibly shallow and perhaps says those things to every woman he’s with.”
“This guy may need to actually have a real relationship with you before throwing out those phrases.”
“Demanding he say what he means in a different way, like your ex, and then being salty when he doesn’t do it is ugly behavior.”
“Perhaps that’s why he’s hesitant to expand his vocabulary.”
“Sounds like you need to be with other men who are more than happy to objectify you.”-Creamy_Breve
“YTA.”
“Then he ain’t the one.”- pottersquash
There were some, however, who sympathized with the OP wanting a little variety in the attention she was getting from her boyfriend, even if they also didn’t necessarily think her boyfriend did anything wrong:
“NAH -yet.”
“If you do something stupid because he says blue and you want him to say ultramarine or periwinkle, then YTA.”
“This is a you problem.”
“You get a compliment and its not the ‘right one’ or not enough for you and you get upset.. do you understand how that sounds?”
“Of course, other guys are going to say different things, we all have a different vocabulary and approach, different educations, and whatnot, and the single guy on the prowl is going to be strutting his feathers like a peacock to get noticed, be it with words, money, fashion, etc.”
“Focus less on the words and more on the intention of the words.”- DankVapor
While some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, finding this relationship was simply unsustainable:
“ESH.”
“You’re 23?”
“Sorry but this is super petty.”
“LDR’s don’t work as a permanent ‘thing’.”
“Sorry. I mean is there even a light at the end of the tunnel?”
“Have you EVER been together at all?”
“What’s the end game?”
“Anyway, you end up putting so much emphasis on just words on a screen or over the phone.”
“If you were together, this kind of argument doesn’t happen becuase you’re beside each other, and he can say ‘oh your hair looks really great today’ or ‘that was very kind of you to carry that lady’s bag for her’ or ‘wow, you really know your way around this city, you’re great with directions’ …just the random things you would know about each other.”
“Even the words you described that you want to hear MORE like ‘hot and gorgeous’ are STILL incredibly dense for an 8-month relationship.”
“Don’t you care about anything else?”
“Like aren’t there much bigger mountains to climb together than the difference between pretty and hot?”- LiveKindly01
Then there were those who could sympathize with the OP all too well:
“NTA, girl. Like, I get that ‘pretty’ is nice and all, but it’s totally legit to want some more variety in the compliments.”
“It’s about feeling seen, ya know?”
“If he knows your love language is words of affirmation, he should step it up!”
“It’s not just about the words, it’s how they make you feel.”- CallaEver
The OP later returned with an update, specifically geared at those who accused her of being vain:
“I wouldn’t say Vanity; I just am a words of affirmation girly.”
“So his saying the same thing over and over isn’t going to hit the same over time!”
It’s not exactly unreasonable to want a little extra attention.
It’s less understandable to demand that people give you attention in a specific way.
Long-distance relationships are always a challenge, but one senses that the issues in this particular relationship have nothing to do with distance.