When and how a person decides to come out is an individual thing. It’s also a series of decisions for most people.
There’s sharing their LGBTQ+ identity with family, and friends, and classmates, and coworkers, etc…
Unless they decide to walk around with a giant sign, most LGBTQ+ people will be faced with coming out over and over again in a society that labels binary cisgender heteronormative as “normal” and everything else on the gender and sexuality spectrums as requiring disclosure.
A young woman dealing with being forced out of the closet in an environment where she decided it wasn’t necessary turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Cheap-Data3394 asked:
“AITA for not telling my friend (35, female) that I (26, female) am bisexual?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I started a new job about 7 months ago and became really close to my coworker. We’ve hung out outside of work plenty of times, and have developed a really close friendship.”
“We have had some pretty deep conversations and a few months into knowing each other we related to each other based on some trauma. So we kinda trauma bonded sharing some serious stuff with each other.”
“She actually has more guy friends than girls. She has difficulty trusting women because of past trauma.”
We were hanging out with a couple of guys from work and somehow the question came up of ‘would you do xyz with a girl for 10k’ and my friend said ‘absolutely not, I couldn’t do it for a million’.”
“I joked and said I’d do it for free. My friend laughed and said ‘I don’t know how you could do that’ and I said that ‘it’s easy cause I like girls’. Everybody laughed and we moved on.”
“The next day at work she asked me if I really liked girls and I said ‘yes, I’m bisexual’. She got upset and asked me why I didn’t tell her and I said because I didn’t feel like I had to.”
“I told her that I came out of the closet at 15, and I don’t really bring it up except to men I’m dating or women I’m romantically interested in. I wasn’t attracted to her in that way, so I didn’t feel the need to tell her.”
“She said I was weird for not telling her, and that now she’s uncomfortable and she said she was really upset and that I should’ve told her. It’s been about a week and she doesn’t talk to me unless it involves work.”
“She doesn’t text me, and I’m wondering if I’m wrong for not telling her? Or is she wrong for assuming I should’ve and making a big deal about me not telling her? Should I apologize for not telling her?”
“Plus, it wasn’t a secret—if she ever asked I would’ve just told her. There was just never a context where it was necessary for me to tell her, and in my opinion randomly bringing it up would’ve been weirder.”
“Now I feel uncomfortable at my job too, and the guys we were friends with are even acting weird toward me as well.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I may be the a**hole for not sharing with my friend my sexuality. Maybe her finding out that way led to her discomfort and making assumptions about why I didn’t tell her.”
“Mind you, we work somewhere that is meant to be inclusive given the population we work with.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
“My gut instinct says NTA. I know you say you’re close but it sounds like this is a close friendship in terms of how much you hang out, not necessarily how deep the friendship is.”
“I would amend my judgment a bit to N A H if the underlying issue is that she’s been baring her soul to you, and now she’s discovering you were not similarly forthcoming with her. I get how that would sting.”
“This doesn’t sound like that is the case though—it sounds like homophobia.” ~ Gloomy_Ruminant
“NTA – she’s mad because she’s biphobic and/or homophobic. It sucks but at least you know now. She’s clearly not worth having as a friend.” ~ Leigeofgoblins
“NTA, it wasn’t relevant. She might just be jumping to conclusions and thinking you were trying to get close to her for romantic intent. Ridiculous I know but people do be doing that. Just let it go and move on. You don’t need to be friends with everyone.” ~ yeeticusprime1
“It’s honestly a her issue. You did nothing wrong, weren’t hiding it, just not mentioning it because it wasn’t relevant to your relationship with her. Everyone has preferences and tastes, she just doesn’t float your boat.”
“I wouldn’t stress this. At most just continue in work only mode, and if she decides to grow up, she might decide to try and rekindle the friendship. If not it is her loss and her issues closing the door on this friendship.” ~ smoike
“I remember one time in high school, a girl in my class asked me if another friend of mine was *furtively looks around* *whispers* a lesbian, and since my friend wasn’t hiding it, I said yes.”
“The other girl widened her eyes and pulled her sweatshirt closed over her low-cut shirt, with this sort of suggestion that I would understand her concern.”
“I didn’t respond, because I didn’t feel like there was any point, but I really wanted to say something like ‘Don’t worry, I promise Louise is not into you.’ It also felt really pointed that she didn’t care if all the boys in the class saw her cleavage, but the thought of a lesbian somewhere in the building made her feel so different.”
“If I’d known she was such a homophobic b*tch, I’d have told her it was none of her business and asked if she wanted to know because she wanted to ask her out.” ~ madame-de-merteuil
“She doesn’t sound homophobic, she IS homophobic.”
“If the way you treat people is based on their sexual orientation, and you treat people worse when they have a certain orientation that you don’t agree with, you are the problem.”
“It’s quite literally the definition. OP is getting a worse treatment after her sexuality came to light, how else would you call it?”
“I personally think it’s very important to call people out on stuff like this, and by saying ‘she sounds homophobic’ you are still giving them the benefit of the doubt, which you should ABSOLUTELY not do! Call it like you see it!” ~ Anarchyr
“I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such sh*tty homophobic behaviour, but I actually burst out laughing thinking of how this ‘friend’ is saying it’s weird not to tell a coworker your sexuality immediately.”
Like, ‘Hey, mind if I sit with you for lunch?’ and the person replying, ‘Sure. I’m attracted to men and women. What’s your sexuality?’.”
“Ah yes, the natural work introduction we’re all familiar with.” ~ hoginlly
“NTA, why on earth are they expecting you to disclose anything like this to them? Their reaction is ridiculous and homophobic, what a bunch of bellends.” ~ Kukka63
“The guys’ questions about ‘gay for pay’ and a girl-on-girl fetish also don’t show understanding of identity. Hopefully, this wasn’t during a work or work-related function. Massive HR violation.” ~ Usrname52
“NTA, but also the guys are a**holes for being inappropriate if it’s in a workplace context—and just gross if it’s not. Where I am (Australia) its a form of sexual harassment to ask questions of a sexual nature.” ~ hlidsaeda
“If they are now making you feel uncomfortable at work due to them knowing about your sexual orientation only because of their inappropriate question, then it is now a work issue. If you wanted to, you could go to HR and file a complaint of harassment and discrimination.” ~ JackBalendar
“It doesn’t matter. You are colleagues hanging out after/outside work. Depending where you live, that is protected once they decide to bring it into the workplace.” ~ hlidsaeda
The OP provided an update:
“It is protected where I live! I did email HR to see if I could meet with someone today, just waiting on a response.”
“I was talking to my mom about it, and she said maybe my coworker thinks I kept it a ‘secret’ because she’s assuming that since I’m bi, I must like every girl who walks my way—a rather homophobic assumption that I see a lot, especially with homophobic men toward gay men.”
“We were actually outside of work hanging out. Not making an excuse for the weird question, but it wasn’t at work when they asked.”
“I have cut off good friends because they’re homophobic. It’s sad, but life is about losses and gains. I lose a friend but gain a little more self-respect.”
Hopefully, OP can get a resolution and a return to peace at work.
The friendship they shared with their coworker is probably over, but based on their response to learning OP’s sexuality, that’s probably for the best.