When two people commit to each other, either in a long-term relationship or marriage, they’ve also agreed to be there for each other through the highest moments and the lowest moments.
Admittedly, some of these moments together might be hard, but it says much more about a person staying with the person they love through the hard times than staying together through the fun times, pointed out the members of the “Am I Overreacting?” (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Usual_Layer1605 had been with her boyfriend for more than three years, and they’d stayed together through some hard times, including her boyfriend recovering from surgery.
But when he ended things with her just ten days before she was scheduled to go in for major surgery, and did so via letter, the Original Poster (OP) was devastated and also furious with the way he went about ending their relationship.
She asked the sub:
“Am I overreacting by wanting to call my partner of three years out after he dumped me via letter ten days before my major surgery?”
The OP was lost in the aftermath of her breakup.
“I am currently sitting in a whirlwind of emotions and need some outside perspective.”
“I (Female) have been with my partner (Male) for three years. We’ve had our ups and downs, mostly due to his constant need for external validation (online gaming ‘friends’), and my reactions to his lack of transparency.”
“I am scheduled for surgery in 10 days to remove endometriosis from my ovary. This is a big deal for me. In fact, just 10 days ago, he told me he wanted to grow old with me and have children. Yeah… well, about that.”
The OP felt abandoned by her boyfriend when he left a letter for her to find.
“Today, he vanished. No face-to-face talk. He left a letter saying he is ‘panicking,’ needs ‘space,’ and is ‘struggling with his mental health.'”
“He then sent his mother to our shared apartment to pick up his toothbrush and night guard because ‘he needs them for work tomorrow.'”
“But his mother is now here with me, so I don’t feel alone and lost. I’m grateful that she’s staying over the night. We have a good relationship, and she has supported me through the last few hours. Now I’m lying in our bed (he’s at his parents’ home with his father).”
The OP felt like this was the beginning of the end.
“When I confronted him via text, asking if this was a final breakup, he dodged the question.”
“He claimed he just needs to be ‘alone’ but then had the audacity to ask if I had ‘enough change of clothes,’ since he assumed I was moving out today to my parents house.”
“It felt like a functional concern to mask the fact that he is abandoning me right before a medical crisis. I feel like he is a blender, someone who talked big about a future and kids, but ran away the second things got real and adult.”
“I’m kind of on the edge, and my intuition tells me I don’t want to submit myself to him anymore.”
“I’m thinking about ways to tell him the next day that his behavior is calculated cruelty and that leaving me now proves I was just a toy to him.”
“Is this panic a valid excuse to abandon a partner of three years just 10 days before surgery via a letter? Or am I right to go scorched earth and leave him for good?”
“AIO?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You’re Overreacting
Some urged the OP to make her boyfriend and ex for good, since he clearly wasn’t willing to care for her while she recovered.
“I appreciate that you may not realize this right now, but he has done you the biggest favor of your life. Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
“You would never be able to depend on this man, and I think you know his treatment of you is already highly questionable. If I were you, I would never see or speak to him again. Good luck with your surgery.” – aquamarine1029
“This dude took off because he doesn’t want to take care of you. He’s going to (try to) come back when you’re better, so you can take care of HIM. Don’t let him, OP.” – crasho7
“As soon as she’s better, he’ll come back and say, ‘he made a mistake.'”
“The problem is, with guys like this, they always run at the first sign of responsibility. He’ll never make a good partner or a good father. As soon as things get tough, he’ll run.”
“Return to sender with this one.” – Shadow4summer
“He’s running now because he doesn’t want to deal with caregiving or responsibility, but the second OP is recovered and can serve HIS needs again, he’ll come crawling back with apologies and excuses. Classic pattern.”
“OP, Redditor Shadow4summer is 100% right; block him everywhere AFTER the surgery. Don’t give him the chance to worm his way back in when you’re vulnerable. He showed you who he is, believe him.” – Alarming-Bite-8005
“It’s so sad to see that stuff like this happens so much. Like, why wouldn’t you want to take care of the person that you love when they need you?”
“I was with a guy like that for a while. Thankfully, he took himself out, too. I had the jackpot with my fiancé. This man will literally wait on me hand and foot and clean up my puke when I’m sick or go to multiple stores to find the medication I need. Men like that don’t deserve a good partner.” – Forward_Promise4797
“I dated someone like this, too. I had a herniated disc that shot down my leg via sciatic nerve pain. Worst pain I ever had. I would end up getting surgery. My disc fell apart in the surgeon’s hand.”
“A few months prior to this, as my pain increased, I was depressed and put on weight, and my ex-boyfriend decided to do things to push me away so that I would break up with him.”
“Then he quickly moved on to another relationship. He had the nerve to tell me he didn’t want to look like the jerk leaving a woman with back problems. Um, what the f**k?! He was one anyway!”
“He, well, had lots of issues. I was so dumb, but thankfully wised up. He was still legally married to his ex, whom he complained about constantly, and would drag his feet about the divorce to get back at her. If I tried to address an issue with him concerning something he said or did, he would get defensive. The one time he CRIED, so I ended up comforting him. The issue never got resolved.”
“I am SO thankful I saw his true colors. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. Doubt it ever got better…”
“It’s been three years but not three decades, and you’re not married, and you don’t have kids with this man-child. I’d say you’re free, OP, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.” – Minimum_Poet1058
“You are no good to him when you are “needy.” Once you are healthy again, he will suddenly re-think things. You. Would. NEVER. Be. Able. To. Trust. Him.”
“When the going gets rough, this guy gets going. Quite literally. And always will. Please do not ever reconsider things with him. Been there, done that, have the scarred heart to prove it.”
“Good riddance to him.” – Single_Pringle_972
Others also clocked the ex’s mother for being there for other reasons.
“His mother is likely there to ensure she does pack up and leave for her parents’ house. She is not there to be her friend/look out for her.”
“How she handles their place is up to her, but I hope she realizes this soon.”
“NOR. He’s a piece of s**t, and she deserves better. As you said: this is a blessing in disguise.” – ChewbaKoopa
“Sending his mom for a toothbrush is PUUUURE manipulative breadcrumb bulls**t, like he wants a reaction without having the spine to talk. You’re 100% right, blocking, and going no-contact is the only move here, don’t feed that pathetic energy.” – Efficient_Highway814
“My ex had HIS mom go to MY mom’s house to break up with me for him. I was seven months pregnant when I got a call from my mom, saying my ex was leaving us. Such disgusting behavior. Don’t entertain a MINUTE of it.” – radicalspoonisbad
“He is a spineless aomeba who is trying to push the blame onto you for the breakup. Hence, he did not say the words. He can then portray himself as the victim rather than the lowlife pos who couldn’t stick around whilst you are undergoing major surgery.”
“And then on top of that, he sent Mommy in as a sidekick.”
“Be grateful you have found out now, you do not need a waste of space in your life. He’s shown his real self, and it is not someone you need to worry yourself over.”
“Is there a reason you would need to move out of the apartment? I’d be more tempted, if possible, to keep it simple to spite him. Just tip all his items into trash bags for him to collect. Let him know you have already moved on and removed him from your life.”
“Good luck with your operation, hope you heal quickly. From both your surgery and this hiccup, which is actually a blessing in disguise.” – IntelligentCitron87
“Who the f**k sends Mommy to pick up a toothbrush when they’re too cowardly to break up? Like, the night guard, okay, he needs that, and he’s a total coward…”
“But the toothbrush is an intentional kick right in your ovaries!”
“Girl, I wish you all the best. And I’m giving you a mental hug. You deserve better. Never give this pathetic s**t the benefit of your attention.”
“Block him. Leave him on read. But never bother to reply, or speak to him again.”
“And kick that woman out. For f**k’s sake. She is not there for you. She’s there for her pathetic baby boy.” – abstract_lemons
After receiving feedback, the OP shared the letter she intended to give to her ex-boyfriend.
“Thank you, everyone, for your advice. With your help, with your words, I made it.”
“What drives me crazy is why he couldn’t just say the words, ‘It’s over’? When I asked him directly if this was a final breakup, he just dodged the question by saying he needed space and time for himself.”
“I suspect he’s doing this to avoid the guilt of officially dumping his partner of three years right before a major surgery. But I’m done waiting for his yes or no. I’m making the decision for him and moving out.”
The OP also wrote her ex a letter for him to find.
“This is the final message I will send my ex, written just a few minutes ago:”
“[His name], I’ve been thinking it all over again. The fact that you dumped me by letter ten days before my surgery, while I was caring for you last year after YOUR surgery, says it all about your pathetic character.”
“After three years together, that’s not ‘giving space’; that’s the most cowardly betrayal imaginable.”
“Using your mother to get your things because you can’t even look me in the eye is beyond pathetic. You’re not the kind of man who stands by his partner when things get tough; you’re an immature boy who runs away as soon as he has to take responsibility.”
“I expect absolutely nothing more from you, but your behavior has opened my eyes. I don’t want and won’t have anything to do with someone like you anymore. You have no place in my life.”
“The most ironic thing is that you always expected strength from me. And now, when it really matters, you’re showing me that you have absolutely no backbone yourself.”
“You’re right, you need time for yourself, for the rest of your life. Spare me any more messages, excuses, or pseudo-concerns about my ‘clothes.’ We’ll sort out the logistics once I’m through everything.”
“Until then, my things will remain untouched in the apartment. I’ll organize my helpers when I’m well enough after the surgery.”
The subReddit was furious on the OP’s behalf that she had a partner who expected her to be there for him through everything and disappeared the minute she’d need a caregiver, even if the caregiving was temporary.
Fortunately, she was making the right decision by leaving him behind. Her items could always be replaced, if needed, but her time and respect deserved much better company than her ex.