It’s easier to lose touch with people than we realize.
Even some of our closest friends and family members.
This is why many people go to great lengths to have regular visits, calls, or correspondence with family members.
Even if sometimes, these same regular connections are how people come to realize that not everyone is worth staying in touch with.
Redditor Extension_Bowler_690 had recently lost their husband.
Understandably, the original poster (OP)’s in-laws were much more conscious about staying in touch with him, resulting in his having regular scheduled visits with them
Unfortunately, following his last visit, the OP came to the conclusion that these visits needed to come to an end.
Wondering if she was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for canceling visitations because my late husband’s sister always seems to know best?”
The OP explained why she was no longer comfortable with her son visiting her aunt:
“Lost my husband almost two years ago and even though I’ve tried my best to always include his family in our son’s life, it feels like they want control of how I raise him.”
“Can’t even pick an hairstyle without my SIL complaining about it lol.”
“We have an arrangement where he visits them and stays for two weekends every month and honestly this hasn’t been easy.”
“I never pick my son the same way I dropped him off even after I’ve spoken to them about it so many times.”
“Just too many ridiculous things they complain about.”
“Sometimes they even coach my son on things to say to me just so they can get what they want.”
“Picked up my boy last weekend and he’s telling me Aunty told him to tell me he wants to change school even though he told her he likes his current school.”
“She had spoken to me about him changing schools previously and I said No.”
“I called her today to inform her there’ll be no visitations anymore, you can come by my house to see my son for a few hours and leave.”
“Now she’s claiming I’m trying to push her and the family out of the boys life because ‘that’s what you’ve always wanted’.”
“I mean I know how close she was with my husband but I think it makes sense she shouldn’t dictate what I do with my boy or am I the a**hole?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to allow her son to visit his aunt anymore.
Everyone agreed that the behavior of the OP’s family was highly manipulative and particularly dangerous given the fragile condition of the OP’s son, and the OP only had his best interests in mind:
“NTA.”
“You’re doing the right thing.”
“Sending them to their home for two weekends a month is a lot of time anyway.”
“They should have respected you as his mother if they wanted to maintain that privilege.”-safetysnake17
“NTA.”
“This is so effed up.”
“For your son’s sake, stop exposing him to these sick, sick people who have clearly not processed their own grief at losing their brother.”
“Your son is not a mini-version of your husband.”
“Your son is his own person and your in-laws, specifically your SIL, clearly see him as some sort of do-over of the person they think your husband was (and not necessarily who he actually was).”
“You would be an AH if you keep allowing these people into your son’s life.”- mmmmm_pi
“NTA.”
“If your SIL considers only being permitted to see him at your/his own home equivalent to cutting them out of his left well, that’s telling.”
“What can she not do with him there that she could do at her home?”
“What would he actually be missing?”
“You were clear.”
“Many times.”
“She kept pushing.”
“It’s past time to draw some lines and stand on them.”- the_greengrace
“NTA.”
“Coaching your kid is wrong. It’s harmful.”
“It’s manipulative, it puts your kid in the middle of adult conversations.”
“If you can’t trust them not to do what you ask, supervised visitation is what is appropriate.”
“It sucks.”
“It really does.”
“But, this isn’t appropriate behavior with your child, and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”-YoshiandAims
“NTA
“Two weekends per month is a custody arrangement, not a family visit.”
“Yes, you should put a stop to it.”
“SIL doesn’t have a say in how you raise your child, and what she is really doing is parental alienation.”- Purple_Paper_Bag
“WTH.”
“She’s trying to tell you what freakin’ school to send your kids to?”
“Unsolicited, busy-bodying is always obnoxious, but to use children as pawns and messengers is an A-hole move.”
“NTA.”- Soft_Presentation412
“NTA.”
“You’re setting boundaries, not pushing them out.”
“Letting your son see his father’s family is important, but they’ve crossed a line by trying to influence major decisions behind your back.”
“Telling your son what to say to you about changing schools is not okay.”
“You already tried talking to them multiple times, and nothing changed, so modifying the arrangement makes sense.”
“You’re still allowing them to be in his life, just in a way that keeps you involved and protects your role as his parent.”
“That’s a reasonable decision.”- Dragondetepito
“NTA.”
“The aunt is grossly overstepping her role.”
“If she can’t respect that you are this child’s parent, then she loses the privileges of having him stay with her.”- Jerseygirl2468
“NTA.”
“I would have stopped visitation a long time ago.”- DescriptionFew6118
“NTA.”
“This is a hard situation, and it sounds like your husband’s family is projecting hard on your child.”
“They’re using him, and it’s going to mess him up psychologically as your in-laws seem to be making it so that he ends up choosing them over you, just because he has your husbands dna, and that’s super gross.”- dotdedo
“NTA.”
“The best response to her latest round of complaints is to tell her that she can no longer visit with her nephew.”- Individual_Ad_9213
“Sometimes you have to be an AH to be a good mom.”
“This is not one of those moments.”
“NTA, your late husband’s family is incredibly immature and entitled.”
“I’m so sorry not only for the loss of your love, but for the absence of true family in his wake.”
“Best of luck and all of my subconscious support streamlined to you and your son.”-Thecolorofhereyes77
“NTA.”
“That is your son, and it’s very manipulative of them to try to steer him away from you.”
“They have no legal rights to visitation, and it needs to be made clear that it’s a privilege to see their nephew.”
“Is it just the SIL or is it his grandparents as well?”- popcornnhero
“NTA.”
“They’re manipulating a child.”- Munks1392
“NTA.”
“What they are doing is utter crap, and I think your husband would be appalled at their behavior.”
“Your son’s safety and happiness come first.”- Not_a_Bot2800
“NTA.”
“Document the incidents.”
“Especially, things like trying to get him involved in the school discussion.”- whatev6187
“NTA.”
“They have established a relationship and, with your husband gone, they can try to establish grandparents’ rights.”
“Key word here is try.”
“The first thing you need to do is sit down and write out every time your son has been sent home with ‘messages’ coached into him and who did the coaching.”
“Every instance of undermining, every argument you’ve heard about your parenting being wrong and if your son was present during that discussion.”
“Dates if you can remember them, even if it’s just ‘the week before school started’.”
“Then find an attorney and be ready, just in case.”
“One thing to discuss with an attorney, if a court orders visitation with grandparents, you still want your former SIL excluded, complete no contact, due to her interference.”
“There is no such thing as auntie rights.”- calminthedark
“NTA.”
“You did not agree to co-parent with your late husband’s whole family, and from the sounds of it, you should not/can’t.”
“They are almost openly manipulating him.”
“They will likely start trying to alienate him from you soon.”
“Hell they may be bold enough to make a custody play.”
“You have set a totally reasonable boundary.”
“They can’t respect that, they don’t actually care about seeing your son, they just want control.”-Specific_Yard
“NTA.”
“People like your SIL make it feel like you can’t protect your child from crazy, toxic people, so you did the right thing.”
“If they want to see him, they can get off their butts and visit him according to your rules in your own space.”
“I’d also reduce it to once a month, but that’s just me.”
“Also make it clear that any bad behavior or disrespect on their part means they lose the visitation privilege.”
“He shouldn’t be alone with them, even on the phone IMO, because they’ve shown they can’t be trusted to respect reasonable boundaries.”
“Stay firm and take no crap.”
“He’s your child, and they have no say over how you choose to raise him, whether they like it or not.”
“They obviously don’t care about what’s best for him.”
“If they did, they wouldn’t pull the kind of crap they’ve pulled.”- Tamstrong
The poignant element of this dilemma is that everyone in this scenario is grieving, and no two people have the same method of dealing with grief.
That being said, what the OP’s son needs more than anything is love and consistency, not this almost brainwashing he’s getting from his father’s family.
Something the OP’s SIL can hopefully reflect upon on occasions her nephew was supposed to be visiting her.