Ideally, in a two-parent household, parents should be able to equally divide certain parenting responsibilities.
This might include dropping off and picking up their children from school, getting them washed and dressed, and preparing meals.
Of course, sometimes work schedules make an even distribution of these duties challenging.
Though even the tiniest bit of effort is appreciated.
The work schedules of Redditor alma_bonita and her husband made an equal distribution of parental duties very difficult.
Even so, the original poster (OP) felt that her husband wasn’t pulling enough weight in this matter.
After confronting him following one specific instance, the OP found her marriage in fairly serious turmoil.
Worried she may have overstepped, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for being mad at my husband for not cooking?”
The OP explained how things took a dark turn on a night her husband was responsible for feeding their children:
“I (26 F[emale]) work the weekends, until 8PM.”
“My husband (27 M[ale]) watches our kids (9 Y[ears old], 5 Y, 5 M[onths]).”
“Anyway, I work Friday–Sunday, and he works every weekday.”
“I make sure he and the kids have dinner, of course, but when I work on the weekends, I come home there’s no food made/being made, and he just gives the kids nuggets or pizza rolls.”
“I typically cook a wellbalanced meal every night, so it always irritates me that he gives the kids junk.”
“This last Sunday, I pulled out chicken to defrost for the morning and told him to use it for dinner.”
“When I came home at almost 9 p.m., my 9-year-old came up to me and said he was hungry.”
“My daughter was on a tablet in her room and was also hungry, and my husband was asleep on the couch.”
“The chicken I pulled out for dinner was still in the package.”
“He got up and said he hadn’t cooked dinner because he didn’t know what to do with the chicken (we have so many things you can cook for a well-balanced meal).”
“I told him it was absolutely ridiculous that it was almost 9 p.m. and the kids still hadn’t eaten, and now I had to cook dinner.”
“They had school the next day, which meant a late bedtime because I had to cook since he didn’t.”
“I wasn’t even done putting my stuff away after work when all that happened.”
“By the time I finished, it was about 9:30ish p.m., and I started cooking dinner.”
“He came into the kitchen and asked what I was doing.”
“I was mad and replied, ‘I’m cooking dinner since you didn’t, kids need to eat’.”
“He said sorry he just didn’t know what to do with the chicken and had fallen asleep.”
“I told him that was BS we have so many things you can make with chicken that he was just being lazy.”
“I told him he has children in his care and needs to feed them that’s part of being a parent.”
“He looked at me like I was crazy and went to bed.”
“Anyway, I got dinner cooked, fed the kids, and got them in bed, all while taking care of our five-month-old baby.”
“I brought him a plate of food said he needed to eat, and he refused.”
“I asked if he could at least take the baby so I could eat.”
“I laid the baby next to him, but he stayed asleep and the baby was upset, so I took him while I was eating.”
“Afterward, I got the baby to bed and then went to bed myself, except I couldn’t sleep.”
“The middle of the night, he got up and said he said he doesn’t feel good in our relationship.”
“I told him I was sorry for snapping earlier I was just irritated he hadn’t made dinner for the kids.”
“He replied that that’s not why, it’s that he just doesn’t feel respected.”
“I said I don’t understand how you don’t feel respected or how this is a respect thing at all and that, if anything, I don’t feel respected because we both work.”
“Yes, he works more than me since I only work weekends, but I also take care of the kids and cook all the meals, and he can’t even cook dinner when I work.”
“He got mad said I make everything about me I just said whatever and went to sleep.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was somewhat divided on whether or not they felt the OP was the a**hole for being mad at her husband.
The OP would later clarify some information in the replies, which had a significant impact on the Reddit community’s judgmemt:
“The first two aren’t his biologically, he’s been around for quite a while, and my kids love him, they call him dad, and they have a blast with him, but I guess when it comes to cooking, he just can’t.”
“A little extra info for everyone: He smokes, yes, but he doesn’t get so high to the point he can’t be woken up.”
“He takes like one hit, and that’s it (not making excuses for him, and I have already talked with him about it).”
“My kids wake him up all the time, and he’ll get up; he’s just being lazy.”
“He also is very great with taking care of the baby, it’s just the other two kids he doesn’t do great with other than being a playful, fun parent.”
“Again, on the smoking, I had him quit for a while, and he was just the worst person, so mean, and I just couldn’t deal with it, so I let him smoke again, and it’s like the only thing that keeps his mood balanced (I know that’s not okay).”
“My nine-year-old knows how to cook, and my five-year-old is very responsible for her age. I taught my nine-year-old how to cook when he was four; he has known how to cook responsibly (but he is just a child, and my husband still needs to be the responsible one, obviously).”
“I have him going to therapy to work on his emotions, but he doesn’t seem to really care.”
“We aren’t legally married through the state, we are Christian and got married under god in our church, which to us is not valuable.”
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone in this situation, appalled by the behavior of the OP’s husband, but having little sympathy for the OP, who they felt didn’t do enough for the safety and well-being of her children:
“There is some really important information buried in the comments: OP’s husband constantly uses weed and falls asleep, with the 5-month-old baby.”
“ESH because this is an incredibly dangerous situation.”
“OP, you cannot leave your children alone with him.”
“Even if no one gets hurt, you’re putting yourself at risk of losing custody.”- lisa_lionheart84
“In case anyone’s missed this, OP mentions in a follow-up comment that the first two kids are not biologically his, and in another comment says he’s great with the baby but doesn’t do well with the older two except for being ‘fun’.”
“He just doesn’t engage with them at all.”
“From the sounds of things, I doubt this guy would ever be in the running for Father of the Year even if all three kids were biologically his, but I’d bet actual money that there’s a direct correlation between the first two kids not actually being his and how lazy he is with them.”
“He does the bare minimum with them because they’re not his kids, and this is only going to get worse as the kids all get older – especially if (god forbid) another kid comes along.”
“ESH, OP – except for these poor kids.”
“Your ‘husband’ (in quotes since the marriage isn’t legal, thankfully) sucks way more than you do, but you’re not blameless here either for not seeing this guy for who he really is and putting your older kids in a situation with a stepfather who doesn’t seem to give a shit about them.”
“For the sake of both you and your kids, I hope you see reality sooner rather than later.”-helenaflowers
“It’s too bad he doesn’t care about his kids or you.”
“He probably wasn’t ready to start having kids at 18 or 17, and neither were you.”
“He has obviously always been irresponsible, and will continue to be.”
“The question is, do you want to be a single mother of 3, or a single mother of 4 like you currently are?”
“How much more labour does he cause you vs helping you?”
“And an addict spending his money on weed, too.”
“I was able to make nuggets and junk food when I was your eldest child’s age.”
“YOU’RE leaving the baby with him when he’s HIGH?”
“What if your baby chokes?”
“What if the young one gets into the cleaner and drinks it?”
“Your kids won’t have someone who can help them, and they could DIE without a responsible adult around.”
“Divorce and get a babysitter, so at least you will actually have someone looking after your kids.”
“ESH.”
While others took the OP’s side, commending her for calling him out on his childish behavior, and pointing out that if he wants to feel respected, he should likewise show the OP some respect as well:
“NTA.”
“He doesn’t feel respected, huh?”
“Well, what’s there to respect exactly?”- cherries2774
“NTA.”
“But if he wants to have the attitude that it’s fine for him to be lazy and irresponsible, and you’re supposed to tell him how awesome he is for it, then you can’t force him to change his attitude.”
“You can only decide how you want to react to it.”
“I hope your baby was at least safe while he was sleeping.”- HatsAndTopcoats
The OP subsequently made it clear where things were heading between her and her husband:
“I am working on leaving.”
“It’s just hard to actually get out when I only work three days a week, can’t afford a babysitter, or my own place without help from housing, so I am working on getting into a low-income apartment.”
“It’s just taking them forever.”
“It’s already in the process.”
“His actions are not excusable, and I have been done with it for a while now, as I said, I’m just in the works of getting my own place.”
If pizza rolls and nuggets weren’t the healthiest options, at least the OP’s children were getting food.
The fact that the OP’s husband fell asleep, likely because he was high, didn’t feed his children, and didn’t see a problem, however, is behavior that nearly everyone would agree justifies ending a marriage.
Something, it sadly seems, the OP should have probably considered long ago.