Historically, women have not been listened to when it comes to their medical concerns, with their concerns being minimized and often attributed to their age, weight, or emotional state.
This phenomenon only seems to worsen when women are pregnant, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor NewSupermarket4832 was ten weeks pregnant, and she was struggling with nausea and food aversions, and her husband’s comments were not helping the situation.
When he repeatedly mansplained pregnancy, her symptoms, and what she should do about them to her, the Original Poster (OP) considered whether her husband was helping or harming her.
She asked the sub:
“Would I be the a**hole for telling my husband that his lectures are doing more damage than good?”
The OP’s husband had a lot to say about her pregnancy and her symptoms.
“I’m (24 Female) 10 weeks pregnant with our first child.”
“Over the past few weeks, I feel like my husband (27 Male) is being very opinionated, not sympathetic, and doesn’t fully understand what I’m going through.”
“When I’ve told him what’s going on with my body, I feel as though he brushes me off or makes a comment about how I should be doing things better.”
“Each time I tell him my symptoms or anything, it feels like there is always a lecture.”
“It’s been adding unnecessary stress and making me feel as though I’m failing somehow.”
The OP was struggling with nausea and food aversions during her first trimester while her husband commented in the background.
“With my first trimester, I feel so exhausted and nauseous almost every day. It’s been so difficult to eat; I’ve had horrible food aversions.”
“Each time I tell him this, he continues to tell me I need to eat certain foods that make me gag.”
“I work in upper management, a highly stressful job, and work over 40 hours.”
“I’ve tried to lower my stress at home by taking breaks and focusing on my rest, but then it leads to another lecture. I’m so tired and don’t know how to navigate this.”
“I feel as though he’s pushing his fears about not being ready for the baby onto me through these lectures without realizing it.”
“I don’t think he’s fully realized that I am pregnant and hasn’t fully processed it. I’m not quite showing yet. I keep feeling like he needs to have the, ‘Oh s**t, she’s really pregnant’ moment.”
The OP tried to talk to her husband about his comments, but he refused to listen.
“When I’ve tried to bring this up to him, I still feel like he brushes over the whole subject and again gives me a lecture.”
“I know I’m still adjusting to my hormones and might be more sensitive.”
“The lectures are going from being annoying to p**sing me off.”
“Here are some examples of the lectures he’s given me… just this past week:”
“1. How pregnant women should be eating sardines. He lists all the benefits, and tells me that I need to start as soon as possible. This is the twentieth time he’s said this, knows it makes me nauseous, and keeps shaming me for not eating it.”
“2. Bringing up how I should eat more meat, which, again, makes me completely nauseous to smell or eat. He’s seen me leave the room if I smell red meat cooking. Literally, it tastes so freaking gross and so hard to eat physically.”
“3. When relaxing, he will point out tasks that I should be doing. Then tell me that I should be cleaning instead of sitting, that the world doesn’t stop moving just because I’m exhausted. (I do all the cleaning every other day; he does the cooking).”
“4. When discussing my job, he will always derail what I am saying and take over the conversation by telling me what he would do instead. He will disregard what I did in the situation, tell me that I was “wrong” and should have done x instead.”
“5. Collagen. He gave me a whole lecture because I decided to skip having it for a single day.”
“6. He keeps insisting how labor should be pain-free.”
“Would I be the a**hole for sitting him down and telling him that he’s doing more damage than good? That these lectures are making me feel even more s**tty?”
“Would I be wrong to tell him that all of these comments are more harmful and frustrating than helpful?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that she didn’t need the additional stress right now.
“Pain-free labor, LOL. Who is this tool?”
“I hated meat with my first, and he came out perfectly healthy. Collagen and sardines? Be for real.”
“The only real science is folic acid (600 mcg) for neural tube development, iron (27 mg) for oxygen delivery, and calcium (1,000 mg) for bone growth. The end.”
“Tell him to zip it. You don’t need added stress during this time.” – North_Mama5147
“His advice practically would have killed me when I was pregnant. Raw meat got me when I was pregnant.”
“Just the thought of anything greasy would make me gag. I love pizza, but even that made me gag. Dirty dishes made me gag.”
“That first trimester is about survival. Worrying about what’s best to eat can happen once you can actually keep food down.”
“Until then, you eat what you can, when you can. OP’s husband needs to stay in his lane.” – ElectricHurricane321
“I’m a nurse. Another nurse and I were pregnant at the same time. Our due dates were really close.”
“My other coworker brought in her Christmas leftovers to share with everyone. It would be a nice gesture, but it did smell like a lot of meat. My pregnant buddy and I had to sit in the hallway that had a breeze to avoid vomiting. I still felt nauseous.”
“I bring this up, because we could still somehow withstand the smell of poop, urine, blood, things you encounter on a nursing unit, but we both couldn’t stand those Christmas meal leftovers. So goes pregnancy.”
“Men who think, ‘She feels this way, I’d better just help,’ rather than, ‘I’ll have to tell her what to do because I know what will make her feel better more than she does,’ I think I’d just throw up on him.” – ClaudiaTale
“There were a couple of episodes where my wife would start cooking ground beef and just not be able to stomach it. In which case, I would simply take over.”
“It was really only a month or two where she had to avoid it, but it’s really that simple. I never once tried to tell her she was overreacting or just being lazy. The OP’s husband is being a douche.” – Patient_end_8433
“Number six is dangerous and concerning. Certain kinds of pain in labour are an important indication that specific responses are needed. I had back labour with double contractions. I needed heavy assistance as a result.”
“OP, assuming this isn’t a troll, I would sit him down and ask two things:”
“1. Is he aware that period cramps can be so severe that they have in the past masked things like a broken hip from a horse fall because the woman involved was so used to worse period pain? What does he think they are other than muscular action evacuating contents? Has he ever worked a muscle for 12 hours? No? Time to tell him to.”
“OP, is your husband possibly freaking out because something is beyond his control? Is he trying to cover all angles out of fear?” – AnnoyedOwlbear
Others thought it would be fun to take the guy to the OB-GYN for a proper education.
“I need OP to bring him to the OBGYN and have the doctor decimate him. This guy is a professional clown. Time to humble him, OP!” – Urmomlervsme
“He should be taken to the OBGYN and let them handle him.”
“However, with my experience in dealing with men who have an opinion on everything, I doubt even the OB-GYN can set him straight. He will just act like the OBGYN doesn’t know everything or is just siding with OP if OB-GYN is a woman.” – Donxxuan
“Tell him to wear one of those pregnancy simulator suits for a month without a word of complaint, and if he can do it, then just maybe you’ll take his opinion into some very tiny amount of consideration. Oh, and 24/7 birthing videos and see if he still thinks labour should be pain-free.” – Scarymonster6666
“My ex made me sleep on my back while I was pregnant. I was in so much pain from it and was six or seven months pregnant.”
“My doctor told me to sleep on my sides, but he would wake me up on purpose to make me change positions to being on my back.”
“I made him come to one of my appointments, and she chewed his ass up and down. Didn’t have another issue.”
“Well, that’s not true; he’s an ex for a reason, but no more issues with sleeping on my side.” – Tx2PNW2Tx
“Insist that he accompany you to your next OB appointment. Bring the list you posted here, including your remarks. Let the doctor tell him he’s a jacka**. He may be more likely to listen to him.”
“If not, if on the way home, he scoffs that he knows more than that stupid doctor, tell him you’ll be listening to your doctor unless and until your husband gets his MD.”
“I was married to your husband’s mental doppelganger. He didn’t tell me what to eat. (He didn’t cook and did no housework except laundry.)”
“But if I sat down for a few minutes to catch my breath, he’d get pissy. ‘You done with all the housework already?’ or ‘If you’re done canning all those tomatoes, I’ve got some work you can do.’ Notice I’m using the past tense.” – 13surgeries
The subReddit was concerned about how the OP was being treated and how her experience was being diminished by her partner, who assumed that he knew better.
But without having experienced it himself, or at least leading a medical practice in which he would have had many pregnant patients, this is one of those situations where he should really listen to the person going through the experience rather than make his own assumptions.