Every person has the right to choose who they want and don’t want at their wedding.
It’s a special day, and some people may stir up unwanted drama.
However, singling out people to be left off the invite list may come with consequences.
Redditor PearlWeddingIssue wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for ‘Holding my Grandmother’s Pearls Hostage’ if my partner can’t go to my sister’s wedding?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (37 F[emale]) have been seeing my partner (38 M[ale]) for four years.”
“He was born with Achondroplasia and is a Little person.”
“I come from a family that holds some ableist views, some views I internalized too when I was younger, and I tried to move past as I got older.”
“I am the first to say I wasn’t perfect either.”
“When I met my partner, we started as friends, and my family would often make comments when he wasn’t around.”
“When we started to date, jokes were made about how I must be desperate and had ‘given up.'”
“My partner is a fantastic man, the best I’ve ever met.”
“He’s funny, charming, kind, and so loving.”
“I often tell people it’s no different than a short girl dating a six-foot-tall guy, so who cares.”
“My family and I clashed for two years over him.”
“I fought with them constantly and ended up greatly limiting contact with most of my family if they couldn’t accept him.”
“He always tried to talk me out of this, that he could take it, and they were just close-minded idiots, but I don’t think he should have to put up with that.”
“The one I’ve kept in constant contact with is my sister (35 F), she also had misgivings about my partner, but once she got to know him, she moved past it.”
“She is getting married in June, and the plan was for me to loan her our grandmother’s pearl necklace as she felt it would really go well with her dress.”
“It was left to me; she got our grandmother’s sapphire ring.”
“She messaged me two nights ago to ask me if I’d not bring my partner to her wedding.”
“She likes him, but she knows it’ll cause drama at her wedding, and she doesn’t want that tainting her day.”
“I got upset at this and told her if he wasn’t going, I wasn’t either, as he is my family.”
“She asked me to just ‘suck it up’ for the day, and it was better to keep the peace.”
“I lost my temper at this and made it clear to her she could invite us both, or neither.”
“I also made it clear she wasn’t getting the pearls if he wasn’t coming.”
“That she was a grown woman and she needed to stop caving into our family and put her foot down for her own views.”
“She accused me of holding the pearls hostage so I could get what I wanted, which hurt me, as it seems she cares more about the pearls being there than me, with that comment. “
“I know it’s her day and she doesn’t want our family making comments, but I don’t see why my partner, who has never been anything but kind to her, should be the one to suffer.”
“He is upset over this, though telling me I might regret not going, and he doesn’t want that for me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA over this? Should I just go, or give her the pearls for the day and not go?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“You called them your grandmother’s pearls, but they are yours.”
“You’re not ‘keeping the pearls hostage.'”
“You’re using your own property as you see fit.”
“If your sister is making you feel unwelcome at her wedding, you don’t have to let her use your property.”
“This isn’t the only pearl necklace in the world. NTA.” ~ UteLawyer
“Do NOT lend her your pearls under any circumstances.”
“She will 100% begin viewing them as ‘her wedding pearls’ and make the argument that they mean more to her than to you.”
“She’s made it clear that she cares more about your family’s approval and her superficial desires than your happiness or respect for your partner.”
“She may have been nicer to you initially, but it didn’t cost her anything.”
“Now that things have come to a head, hopefully you can see that she’s just as bad as the rest of them.”
“Don’t lend her your necklace, don’t go to the wedding, and honestly, I would stop speaking to her altogether over this, but that’s your choice to make.” ~ mr_trick
“NTA, I’d blast her and family for their views publicly and make it a known stance as to why you have cut contact with family over this.” ~ igwbuffalo
“Do not, repeat NOT, loan your sister those pearls.”
“The phrase she used, holding them hostage, implies that you hold something you have no right to, and threaten it.”
“That’s her mental image, and that indicates that if you loan her the necklace, she won’t give it back.”
“Would anybody give a hostage back to the hostage-taker?”
“NTA. Your partner, your pearls, you.”
“Either all three will attend the wedding, or none.”
“I vote for none, given the situation.” ~ SpiritedLettuce6900
“NTA; I’d not go and not loan her the pearls, unless she gives you the ring until they’re returned.”
“I can see this whole family-caused fiasco blowing up in your face.” ~ Individual_Ad_9213
“NTA. The pearls are a family heirloom that belongs to you.”
“Loaning them is a gesture of closeness and support.”
“If she is unwilling to support your relationship or stand up to the family’s bigotry, she doesn’t really get to reap the benefits of that closeness by wearing your jewelry.” ~ Tight-Decision-7918
“NTA – don’t cast pearls before swine.” ~ My_Poor_Nerves
“NTA. Just the opposite, in fact.”
“You are awesome!”
“You are doing exactly what a good, loving partner should do.”
“Keep it up.” ~ GreekAmericanDom
“NTA! also they aren’t your grandmother’s pearls now, they are yours.”
“She left them to you.”
“You can decide to loan them or not!”
“Your sister and your family are horrible.”
“You should never make excuses for them.”
“To not accept someone into your family just because they are a little person is hard for me to even comprehend.”
“If my sister asked me to leave my partner behind because they had dwarfism, I probably would never speak to her again.” ~ Comfortable-Door616
“The issue here isn’t about pearls or weddings or even what your partner thinks about the rights and wrongs of the situation.”
“The issue is that you don’t want to spend time with awful people, and your sister has just self-identified as awful.”
“It’s not like your partner is abusive, or cruel, or lazy, or unfaithful.”
“They aren’t judging his character, just his body.”
“Your family sucks.”
“Your sister pretended not to suck, but she does.”
“You don’t want to hang out with people who suck, and you will certainly not be lending sucky people your valuables.”
“If they want you to be nice to them, they can start by not sucking.” ~ FoxyOcelot
“NTA, entirely.”
“She can’t invite the pearls without you, and she can’t invite you without your partner.”
“Godd*mn OP, your family is sh*tty.” ~ RickRussellTX
“NTA. You’re not holding the pearls hostage.”
“You’re simply saying that you and your partner are a package deal. If he’s not welcome at your sister’s wedding, then you’re not going either, and she doesn’t get to borrow your grandmother’s pearls.”
“Your sister is choosing to keep the peace with the ableist side of the family instead of standing up for you and your partner.”
“That’s not fair.”
“The fact that she’s more upset about the pearls than about excluding him speaks volumes.”
“You’ve already fought hard for years to protect your relationship.”
“It’s completely reasonable to draw the line here.”
“Your partner sounds like a great guy, but you’re allowed to refuse to go without him.”
“This isn’t about the necklace… it’s about basic respect for your relationship.”
“NTA. Stand your ground.” ~ latinaaaabaddie
“NTA. But instead of the ‘he is invited, or me (and the pearls) won’t be there’ stance, OP should just RSVP no.”
“At this point, any weirdness her family may have had towards her partner will be exacerbated tenfold.”
“She shouldn’t put him through that.”
“RSVP no, put sister at arm’s length, and if she wants to apologize, she can do so after the wedding.”
“Anything beforehand would come across as insincere.” ~ TogarSucks
“NTA, the answer is you will not be loaning the pearls.”
“You will not attend the wedding.”
“You will not subject your partner, the man you love and married, to ignorant prejudice.”
“Good luck and good riddance.” ~ Hennahands
“NTA. Keep the pearls and don’t go to the wedding.”
“There’s no world where you bring this guy to the wedding, and there is zero drama.”
“You owe it to your partner not to subject him to this kind of trauma.” ~ jimmytaco6
“NTA. I would honestly tell her the pearls are too classy for a wedding like hers, and so are you and your partner.”
“The pearls are not being held hostage because at this point she will have to work to rebuild any relationship, and none of you will be going to the wedding regardless.” ~ Effective_Olive_8420
“NTA, but given the way your family treats people, I think you were on the right track with the low contact.”
“Rather than trying to negotiate for your partner to go somewhere he is not welcome, you should be declining the invitation and not lending her anything.”
“Their behavior is appalling, and there should be repercussions for it.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“NTA. And at this point, I wouldn’t loan them to her either, or accept an invitation at this point.”
“Because I dont think she’d give them back.” ~ Vivid-Win-4801
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister is out of line.
It’s awful that your family can’t see past their own prejudice.
Do what you feel is right for you and your relationship.
Good Luck.