Lying is a choice some people make.
Breaking cultural taboos is also a choice some people make.
But who is responsible for those choices? The person who made them or everyone around them?
A man turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after being told he needed to cover for his roommate’s choices.
Winston_Duarte asked:
“WIBTA for not leaving the house for one weekend as requested?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I need an outsider’s perspective on this. I try to be understanding, but I am fuming. I think someone who is not living in this apartment would have a more neutral view on this.”
“The situation: We live in a 3-bedroom apartment with 3 parties. We are all students and pay equal amounts of rent, and each has an individual lease. I am Winston, and the other two are Josh and Sara.”
“I moved in last year, they have lived here for 3 years.”
“Josh spends half his week and most weekends at his girlfriend’s place. He’s mostly out of the picture. That just leaves Sara and me.”
“For me I see this as a living arrangement, because it is. I am friendly with everyone, but I keep some distance. I usually spend my days in the library, lectures, or at home gaming. Door is usually open unless I play with friends or have my girlfriend over.”
“So yesterday Sara approached me with a request, but it felt more like a demand. Her brothers are coming to visit, Friday-Sunday. Her family does not know she is living with two guys.”
“She is coming from a Muslim family who might see this as a big deal. She wants to keep it a secret. She is asking me to leave the apartment next weekend and move all my toiletries into my locked room.”
“The problem for my side is simple: I do not have a place to go. I am not asking my girlfriend to spend the weekend at her place. She is visiting her family this week and won’t be back until next week.”
“We are not at the stage of the relationship where this is something reasonable to ask. If the roles were reversed, I would probably say yes, but feel very awkward about this.”
“So… I told Sara that. Where am I supposed to stay? Sleep in the library? She kinda dismissively turned around and told me ‘That is your problem to solve’. That attitude right there pissed me off beyond words.”
“I am in a pickle. On one hand, I am livid. I want to tell her to mind her own business and just deal with the fact that she has male roommates. But Josh—who is closer with Sara and agreed already to spend the time away—reminded me to have an open mind about her situation.”
“I do not feel like spending €150-€200—money that I do not have—on a hotel when I am paying rent. But Sara already told me that she expects me to solve it by myself. I did ask her if she’d pay for a hotel.”
“She said flat out no. Looking a bit annoying and offended by the suggestion. She won’t pay for a hotel. Which leads me to the question…”
“WIBTA if I tell Sara to just suck it?”
The OP later added:
“On a different note, with this happening I am already starting to look for a new apartment. This is not the first unreasonable request, but the previous ones were tiny in comparison.”
“Like asking me to please store my toothbrush in my room because she does not like neon-yellow as a colour. Gives her a headache every morning. I ended up buying a new toothbrush early to placate her.”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“I am considering not leaving the apartment and spending my weekend gaming at home. I am knowingly ignoring her family situation.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. It’s actually Sara’s problem to solve. She’s the one who created it by lying to her family.” ~ canvasshoes2
“Not only by lying to her family, but also by inviting her brothers for a weekend without checking if her roommates can actually leave. She could have asked OP and Josh and found a weekend when her plan was actually doable.” ~ dontcareboutaname
“It’s quite possible the family has already got wind of the fact that she’s not in an all-female house and the brothers invited themselves and she feels she can’t put them off.”
“It’s still very much her problem, though, and she sounds truly insufferable.” ~ Motor-Class-8686
“I probably would accommodate her if she asked nicely and offered to pay for a hotel, but that didn’t happen here.”
“Since Sara is not willing or able to pay for a hotel, the only way for her to solve her problem is by telling her brother that they can’t stay at the apartment. I would think that in the same way she’s not supposed to live with guys, her supposed ‘female’ roommates would not want males they were not related to staying in their apartment, so their roommate’s brothers are not welcome to stay there.”
“Then they can stay at a hotel.” ~ vegasbywayofLA
“I’ve known people like Sara. She wants the thrills and the clout with her friends of being a rebel, but with zero consequences.”
“She could have female roommates, but she chose to live with men. She could have told the truth, but she chose to lie. And now she wants everyone else to cover for her so she can maintain her fake, lying relationship with her family. That’s a Sara problem to solve. NTA.” ~ MohawMais
The OP provided several updates, beginning with:
“Thank you for the replies and some DMs I have received. I have decided on a plan of action. I will tell her no.”
“I will tell her that I do not have the money to pay for a hotel, that I do not have a place I can simply crash on. I will also have Josh sit in. I have posted a message in the group chat, effectively calling for a meeting tonight.”
“I will explain my situation calmly and why I do not intend to leave on my own dime. I am happy to play a role in the family visit. To actively show that I have no personal ties with Sara by minding my own business. I like the petty ideas, but I am not the type of person to pour gas onto the fire.”
“Furthermore, I have put out feelers to look for a new apartment with some friends from university. One friend is looking to move out of his parents’ place, and we get along fine gaming.”
“I think this is the point at which the drama is getting too expensive on my mind. So a clean cut is the best option.”
OP later added:
“This has taken a sour turn. I requested the sit-down. Sara took this as a ‘No’ on my part and texted a long rant on WhatsApp. To simplify it and translate it to you from German: ‘I am not going to let you ruin my relationship with my family. If you do not want to leave, you can pay for the hotel, and I expect you to move out by the end of January.”
“She does not have the power to force me out. Lease contracts are quite clear on that matter in Germany.”
“The cherry on top: Josh just posted a Thumbs up on her rant.”
“I think in their eyes, I am indeed the problem roommate. And I think it stems from me having different expectations from a shared apartment.”
“In my opinion, my obligations to the apartment are being friendly and obeying the rules. Like cleaning dishes immediately and cleaning up after myself in the bathroom and kitchen. As well as doing the weekly cleaning on time.”
“What I do not want to do is participate in activities I do not enjoy. That has been a source of friction, in particular between Sara and myself.”
“To give you context, I study biochemistry and spend a lot of time at the library. The exams at my university are tough, so if you want that top grade, you need to study. A lot. My regular day looks like this: Lectures in the morning, library in the afternoon, and three days a week I work at a bar.”
“When I get home I am usually quite exhausted and want to either spend time with my girlfriend, get into bed, or meet up with my friends in the city or online. Josh and Sara on the other hand spend their free time preferably as a group in the apartment—Sara, Josh and Josh’s girlfriend.”
“They play board games, watch movies, gossip and so on. I did join a few times in the beginning but the type of gossip was just… draining. Who slept with whom of people I did not know, or what kind of backstabbery is happening in their extended friend groups. I do not enjoy drama. Not as a movie, not IRL. So I choose to keep my distance a bit.”
“Still participating in the chores and doing my share. But there has been a passive-aggressive tone for a while, ever since my joining went from several times a week to maybe once a month. Not abruptly, but gradually.”
“It is my opinion that Sara enjoys DRAMA. He really enjoys it. And that might be why this is now boiling over so violently (metaphorically speaking).”
“Sooo, I also got a few things moving. I contacted the landlord about my lease. I asked him for his permission to use him as an emergency contact in case Sara tries something funny like changing the locks on me.”
“He flat-out told me to call him first if that happens because then he will call the police. We have a shared lease. We are each listed as tenants, and he needs to approve changes to the lease.”
“So I am currently on the bus with my most important documents, and I am storing them at my girlfriend’s place. I explained the situation, and she gave me permission to store some of my things.”
“But she also said her roommate would not appreciate a guy suddenly sleeping over when she herself is not there.”
“I am worried about what else is to come. But I am following the suggestion and precautions texted here and in DMs. I am preparing for a storm.”
Two days later, OP added:
“Yesterday evening, I went on the offensive. The drama unfolded quite predictably. The advice from the comments here was very helpful on what to brace for.”
“I told Sara no. I told her that even if I wanted to, I do not have the money for a hotel, and since I am paying rent and do not have an alternative, I will stay.
“Sara was upset. She yelled at me how selfish I am being. Demanded again that I move out by the end of the month.”
“I responded that I will not do that. I would start looking for an apartment, as I, too, am sick of the situation here. But I will use the time I legally have to look for a new apartment.”
“This turned into a circular argument that this is not about legal BS but a matter of principle. In the end, I made my point clear. I will move out eventually.”
“But I also made it clear that I would take my utilities, like the coffeemaker I bought and everyone is using, and a greater jab: The washing machine is mine. Theirs broke down a while before I moved in. I bought one for my previous apartment and was happy to bring it.”
“Did not expect anyone to pay shares and put it in as community usage. This sparked another screaming match. Josh even tried to argue that, as it is now communal property, I waived ownership, which is BS.”
“Details to that part are not important. Just more of the same followed for almost an hour.”
“Point is. My important documents are secure at my girlfriend’s place. The landlord is in the picture, and I will update him later today.”
“I also documented the state of my property this morning. Still got the Amazon and electronic-store receipts just in case for their community property claim.”
“However, taking some notes from the more petty advice, I will move the coffee maker to my girlfriend’s place today. She loves this coffeemaker, and I figure I’d rather make her happy than my roommates.”
OP concluded with:
“I moved the coffeemaker yesterday. This morning, in retaliation, I received a charge on our shared expenses app. 12€ for coffee with an attachment of a Starbucks receipt from Sara.”
“We use an app to track shared expenses. It gives you the options to assign charges and input deductions to those charges.”
“This morning, Sara added one expense assigned to me. ‘Coffee’. My response, again following some petty advice: I assigned a €12 deduction to her titled ‘Konsequenzen-Steuer’—roughly translated into ‘Consequence-tax’.”
The OP’s living situation isn’t ideal at the moment, but they’ve at least mapped out a path forward.