When we entrust someone with our home—housekeeper, nanny, babysitter, petsitter, housesitter—it can be pretty devastating if they break that trust. Especially if they’re a close friend or family.
A homeowner who entrusted their best friend of 10 years with their cat turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after discovering their friend had been shopping in their closet.
IndividualProduce406 asked:
“AITA for sending this text after my friend returned clothing she took from my apartment?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My best friend of 10 years, we’ll call her Lucy, has been cat sitting for my husband and me for around year and a half. we pay her and let her/her partner stay in our apartment. most recently, she stayed for 2 weeks.”
“additional context: while she was there I left her 3 bags of clothes to keep which we talked about beforehand. these bags had the same type of clothing she later returned (pants, tops, pjs, etc…) so she had plenty she was welcome to take.”
“2 weeks after getting back from vacation, when Lucy and I were hanging out, she mentioned she had borrowed my Alo sweatpants while staying over and needed to return them. I didn’t know she had taken them, and she wouldn’t have known this, but they were a gift I’d only worn once.”
“A few days later I asked to get the sweatpants back and a pair of lulu leggings I knew she had from a few months earlier. when I got the clothes back another 2 weeks later, she brought out a huge bag of clothes, far more than I knew she had.”
“some things were missing since last summer, some were new and never washed/worn, some were sentimental/vintage. they were clearly from multiple drawers and cabinets in my bedroom and closet, not things I willingly lent her.”
“since I also had left the 3 donate bags, I worried everything had gotten mixed together and it would be a guessing game to figure out what’s mine.”
“most of them were summer clothes and it’s been snowy and freezing here, the things I have noticed over the year, I just assumed I was losing/misplacing things… like at the gym/yoga or in my buildings laundry bc I never assumed Lucy would have any of it”
“she apologized and told me to let her know if I could think of anything else I’m missing. over the next few weeks I asked about some specific items, including pants that went missing around the first time she cat sat (she had those too).”
“she said next time i’m over I can look through her closet to see if she missed anything. at this point I had been trying to get my stuff back for around 6 weeks.”
“this was the message i sent:”
“’i need to be honest about how serious this feels to me’.”
“‘it doesn’t sit right that i would have to come search through your closet to figure out what of mine you took. over the past year and a half, you went through multiple drawers and cabinets in my home and took so many items without ever asking or telling me. some of these were things i had never worn/washed. some were gifts’.”
“‘some were sentimental or vintage and irreplaceable. i’ve also spent time thinking i lost certain items at yoga or in my building’s laundry, never once imagining that my friend, someone i trusted in my home, had taken them from me’.”
“‘i need the rest of my belongings returned. if you’re unsure if something is mine, send me a picture and I can let you know’.”
“‘i just need space to process everything because i didn’t expect this at all while you were staying here and i am at a complete loss because i never thought you would be someone to violate my privacy in such a big way’.”
“She apologized and has since returned more items. the total is now around 25 pieces of clothing.”
“AITA for sending that message?”
“I’m worried that I should have worded it more nicely and that my directness could make me the A in this situation.”
The OP later added:
“A mutual friend reached out about my message being mean. This was the other friends points about my message, not sure if the additional context helps. each bullet point was a response to that part of my original message, if that makes sense.”
“• She was offering to let you look with your own eyes because she could feel how anxious and uncomfortable you were. That was generous. Instead of taking it as reassurance, it immediately became something negative.”
“• Of course she opened drawers and cabinets to find things. That’s completely normal when you’re staying in someone’s home. Something very mundane was framed as suspicious, and that’s where it starts to feel accusatory.”
“• The line, ‘Never once imagining that my friend, someone I had trusted in my home, had taken them from me,’ was honestly just hurtful. That wording implies betrayal. It reads like you’re painting her as someone deceptive, and you had to know that would sting. And it’s _____ of all people, she’s not betraying you”
“• When you said, ‘I need the rest of my belongings returned,’ it came off as a demand.”
“• The ‘I just need space to process everything’ part feels disproportionate to the situation. It reads more like a breakup message than a conversation about borrowed clothes”
“• And accusing her of violating your privacy feels extreme. She stayed at your apartment for weeks. That’s like saying someone violated your privacy for using your bowls or pans while staying over. Borrowing clothes has now turned into something much bigger than it ever needed to be.”
“• Ur whole text doesn’t come off like you’re trying to resolve anything, it comes off like you wanted to her hurt because she hurt you.”
“After providing additional context to her, she stood by all of this and said if I don’t understand how I was mean based on everything she said, then I need to do some more reflecting.”
“she did go to our mutual friend and they both last minute decided to not come wedding dress shopping with me which we had planned months before. We eloped last year, but havea big family wedding we’re planning.”
“I reached out a few days before shopping to try to talk in person and apologized if I made her feel like she couldn’t tell me her feelings about the situation. she ignored me and neither of them showed up for the dress shopping and to me that’s so so much worse than the clothes situation”
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
“My action to be judged is texting my friend a long message. The text might make me the a**hole because of the tone/wording. My friend did apologize and I’m worried that I’m the a**hole for not being kinder or handling the situation differently.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO – more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
“NTA. Your ‘friend’ stole from you and is making it your responsibility to tell her what she stole. And now both friends are gaslighting you. They’re both probably thieves. Just call the cops. Let them look through her closet.” ~ Mission_Wolf579
“NTA. This person is not your friend and is taking advantage of you. I would find another cat sitter.” ~ Sinister_Nibs
“She’s stolen so much stuff from so many people she can’t remember what she took from each person.”
“Either that or she wants to try to snow OP one last time in caee she doesn’t remember.” ~ Inconceivable76
“NTA. She took advantage of your trust and friendship. She stole from you while being paid to do a job in your home. You have the right to request your things back.”
“Be safe and change the locks and don’t leave her alone in your home again.”
“You handled it with politeness and class. You didn’t use bad or aggressive language make any threats or false accusations.”
“I assume you didn’t try to ruin her social or professional life either with drama. You easily could have as she admitted to digging through your home to steal your clothes.” ~ Forward_Nothing5979
“Let me guess she told the friend group a story she put spin on.”
“You can try to let the group know what actually happened, even show them the texts. Stress she went through your closet and dressers without your knowledge or permission and just took stuff. Now that you found them in her possession, you just asked for them to be returned.”
“If someone doesn’t understand how much of a violation that is, the person may need to mature before they can actually be friend material.” ~ Forward_Nothing5979
“You’re mean for expecting her not to steal from you? What planet is your other friend living on? I don’t think anyone who berates you for wanting your things back knows the whole story, at least I cannot imagine it.” ~ allyearswift
“Just a thought but is it just clothes you are missing? This sort of blatant thieving makes me wonder if she’s helped herself to other things in your home.”
“With the sheer amount taken over an almost 2 year period, that you know of so far. She seems real comfortable with just rummaging in your private spaces and taking what she wants.” ~ DramaticSwordfis7
OP probably lost two friends over at least one of them stealing from her.
But with friends like these…