Having help after giving birth can be vital to a parent’s health and well-being.
There is so much to be done.
The smallest amount of assistance can be life-saving.
But some loved ones don’t realize when they’re being more toxic than helpful.
Redditor NYCTX123 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for choosing a night nurse over my mom’s help after I give birth?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m pregnant with my first baby and due later this year.”
“My mom initially offered to help for 30 days postpartum, but I’ve decided to hire a night nurse instead.”
“This isn’t about one incident; it’s a long pattern.”
“My mom has a history of emotional volatility and unreliability.”
“At my sister’s graduation and at events leading up to my wedding, she overdrank and became disruptive. “
“A couple of years ago, she also became physically aggressive with me during an argument in public.”
“She tends to minimize concerns and avoids accountability, and despite my asking, she hasn’t pursued therapy.”
“There have also been times she’s committed to helping and backed out at the last minute.”
“For example, when my dog had surgery, she promised to stay with her so I could attend my birthday dinner, then tried to cancel an hour before because she wanted to go out for drinks instead.”
“Recently, she chose to travel to South America for elective cosmetic surgery a few months before my due date.”
“When I voiced concern about possible complications and recovery time, especially since she’ll be taking significant time off from her in-person job, she told me she ‘can’t put her life on hold because I’m pregnant’ and that I’m ‘not sick.’”
“I only asked if she would consider delaying it until next year, not canceling it.”
“She declined.”
“My husband and I can afford a night nurse, and I feel calmer having professional, neutral support rather than depending on someone who has historically been unpredictable.”
“She’s welcome to meet the baby (we live in different states), but I’m not comfortable relying on her for extended help.”
“Some family members think I’m overreacting.”
“I see this as responding to a pattern and protecting my family.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA at all!!!”
“Protect your peace.” ~ 1RainbowUnicorn
“NTA. If someone has a history of unreliability, you will naturally replace them with someone more secure, even if she is your mother.”
“If you wanted to be, well, strategic, I guess you could call it, you could tell any relatives, ‘Oh, I don’t want to put that burden on Mom, you know she sometimes takes on more than she should, like the time she said she’d do X, and then couldn’t manage it.'”
“Get that version of events out there.”
“Depending on what the cosmetic surgery is, I don’t think you can really ask her to avoid it months before the birth, though.” ~SavingsRhubarb8746
“NTA at all.”
“You mom wants to have helped (past tense ofc), or to be able to think of herself as helpful, but does not want to actually do things that would make her helpful.” ~ IllTemperedOldWoman
“This. My M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] made sure to tell everyone she would have helped me with the new baby, but she wanted my mom to be able to help since it’s her first grandkid.”
“Mind you, she never asked what my family’s plan was.”
“My mom had a lot of stuff going on and couldn’t stay, but one night, so I ended up with no help. “
“But at least my MIL got to sound like she was being humble/generous. 🙄.” ~ internal_logging
“NTA!!!”
“Honestly, you don’t need the stress.”
“Also, the saying ‘Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior’ is not for nothing.”
“Better for you to have peace of mind and know this is a sure thing than to go through the next few months in doubt.” ~ Substantial_One6393
“NTA. She has proven that she is unreliable and her priorities are with drinking, not the care or safety of her pregnant daughter, nor soon to be born grandchild.”
“If anyone complains to you, just remind them that she is right, she doesn’t have to ‘put her life on hold’ for you.”
“You’re just respecting her wishes by hiring the night nurse to leave her free to go and live her life unburdened.” ~ ForbiddenButtStuff
“NTA… if you couldn’t rely on her before, why would she expect you to rely on her now?”
“100 percent get that night nurse for your peace of mind and the baby’s safety.”
“Congrats on your soon-to-be new arrival.” ~ Baalaya84
“NTA. Trust the proven track record and don’t allow additional stress during this time.”
“If your Mom makes a stink about it, she’ll have to wait to meet the baby.” ~ InfernalKaneki
“NTA. You know your mum, and you know what she’s like.”
“You absolutely do not need the extra stress and anxiety at a time that is already stressful.”
“100% put your needs and your baby’s needs over your mother’s ‘help,’ because it very much sounds like her ‘help’ is not that at all, and I think you do know this.”
“Don’t let her, or anyone else, guilt you into this because ‘family.'” ~ unapproved_dentist
“NTA. Even without all the issues you described, it is probably better to hire someone if you can because they know exactly why they are there, and you don’t have to deal with doing business with family.” ~ keesouth
“You are absolutely in the right here.”
“I ended up having to do dishes and cook dinner the day after surgery because my mother decided shopping for hours was a bigger priority.”
“By hiring the night nurse, you are giving yourself guaranteed peace of mind.”
“If your mother wants to help, she can, but the nurse is there when she doesn’t show up.” ~ Square-Trick2744
“I wouldn’t let her near the baby unsupervised, so a night nurse.”
“I am confused as to why you interrupted her cosmetic vacation to South America.”
“She’s of no help to you (Seriously, your description screams that she is unreliable), so why would you want her there?”
“You’re giving mixed signals to her and us about her, and you get a mild YTA for that.” ~ franklinchica22
“NTA. Past experience has shown you that you’re making the right choice by going with a night nurse.”
“You don’t need the drama your mother brings into every situation right after giving birth.” ~ WhatInTheA**Pepper
“NTA. At best, your mom is unreliable.”
“At worst, her behaviors make her an unsafe person for your baby to be around.” ~ unfortunatelyalive7
“NTA at all.”
“Your mother has proven to be unreliable and unrealistic, in addition to the drinking and drama she brings.”
“Even if she were stable, reliable, calm, and drama-free, helping to take care of a newborn is a TON of work.”
“Trained night nurses are great because they go home at the end of their shift.”
“Plus, they’re not related to you, so you don’t have all the emotional family baggage.” ~ LittleLemonSqueezer
“NTA. If you can afford it, that is such a better idea than the stress of not knowing if your mom is going to show up for you.” ~ StarWars-TheBadB_tch
“NTA… if she puts up a fight, maybe change the narrative, say you would love for her to spend time and bond with the baby, and maybe allow her to help during the day sometimes.”
“Just stress that the night nurse is there to help everyone sleep well, including her (because based on what you’ve said about her, if you point out how it will benefit HER as well, she might end up loving the idea).”
“You dont have to have a huge argument, and it’s also YOUR baby and YOUR decision. Congratulations!! 🥳.” ~ jumpypancake34
“Do not let that woman support you for the first month.”
“If I could go back in time, I would have chosen at least one week at home, getting my new family settled, figuring out breastfeeding and my new body, bonding with my baby, etc., before having ANY visitors.”
“In fact, tell her she’s welcome to visit after 2 weeks, but it needs to be planned in advance.”
“She can help with daytime care during her visit.”
“If she tries to manipulate you, firmly tell her, ‘This has already been agreed to, and it’s what’s best for our family. I’m looking forward to it, and I’m not going to talk about it anymore.'”
”It’s 2 weeks.” ~ Ok-Try-857
“NTA – sounds like she’s not dependable, and you’re looking for someone dependable.”
“Next time outside, family members ask if you’re being too harsh, just remind them about the fight in public.”
“And ask, ‘Would you want someone you previously fought to be the person you trust with your child?'”
“I’ve seen Reddit posts that want to stop grandma from seeing the kid cause they hurt the expecting mother’s feelings.”
“So the fact you’re still willing to let her be grandma should be enough leeway.” ~ TheDinoSir2012
“NTA, at all.”
“Protect your household peace, don’t try to depend on someone who’s proven themself undependable.”
“Especially at a time when you’ll be exhausted and have a newborn, your mother is a huge liability.”
“Congratulations on your baby!”
“I hope all goes well!” ~ SuperflyandApplePie
“I would just tell her: Mom, we want you to visit and enjoy your grandchild.”
“We’re hiring a night nurse, but you’re welcome to come over during the day, hang out, help if you want, and be with your child and grandchild.”
“No need to take extra time off work.”
“NTA – You need dependable help when you have a baby.”
“And congratulations!” ~ SparklesIB
“NTA. It’s a newborn baby.”
“You can never be too careful.” ~ Kristmaus
Reddit has your back, OP.
You are putting your baby and your own health first.
Stay firm and stand your ground.
Good Luck.