Private jokes amongst friends and loved ones can almost be like a secret language,
There is often a freedom to speak whatever is on a person’s mind.
That can be a wonderful thing.
But not always.
There is always a line.
Slurs are never jokes.
Redditor Melodic_Barber_7247 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for ignoring my friend because she called me a slur as a joke?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“AITA for ignoring my [25 F[emale]] friend/coworker [21 F] because she called me a ch*nk b*tch?
“I’ve been sick the past week, and I usually sit with a group at work.”
“I haven’t been sitting with them because I was sick, still coughing and sneezing, and I didn’t want to get them sick.”
“I saw my friend later talking to one of my other coworker friends, and they were joking about how ‘We finally got rid of the only minority at the table.’ Haha.”
“It’s funny sometimes, but when they overdo it, it gets a bit annoying.”
“But that’s basically their type of humor and mine sometimes.”
“But anyway, she ended up saying ‘yea he said we finally got rid of that ch*nk b*tch.’”
“I’m not the person to really defend myself on the spot.”
“That’s how I was raised and how I am now. “
“I don’t really like confronting, but at the same time, she is old enough to know that’s not okay to say.”
“I don’t know if I want to drop her or keep space, but earlier today, she tried to say hi to me when she was with my other coworker and friend.”
“I kinda just walked away and acted as if I didn’t see her, and later, the coworker came up and told me, ‘she tried to say hi.’”
“I said, ‘I don’t see her,’ but the look he gave me seemed like he knew that was a lie.”
“I don’t know if I should say something, or just ignore the situation, or just drop her.”
“I don’t think I should have to explain that it’s not okay and it made me uncomfortable, but at the same time, I don’t think I need to explain that saying a slur isn’t okay.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, but this is definitely an hour situation.”
“She’s definitely not your friend and is way too comfortable using slurs at work.” ~ Ghost_Venom_
“I think you should report them to H[uman] R[esources] for their racist behavior 🤷♀️.”
“NTA for ignoring them, that’s not a nice person.” ~ sodapunko
“NTA. She’s not your friend, she’s a racist, sorry.” ~ FoxedforLife
“I am so clueless sometimes, I have no idea what this slur is and what communities it is used against.”
“Anyway, it is not okay; I am assuming the friend knew it was a slur.”
“NTA, and I’m sorry this happened, OP.” ~ AlexandraG94
“No, it’s never funny.”
“This is a workplace.”
“Everyone within earshot hears that discrimination.”
“They also take note that it gets laughed at and swept under the carpet. It creates a culture of intolerance and harassment.”
“I say harassment because there are other people who you may not have noticed overhearing those words.”
“If someone is willing to make racial jokes, and there are no consequences, then anything goes.”
“And contrary to the phrase ‘sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me, ‘ names hurt a lot.”
“So while you let this go all those other times, someone else may be internalizing the hate speech from these people, and feeling really, really terrible about themselves.”
“NTA, and you may want to consider going to HR.”
“Sounds like they need an inspirational chat.” ~ EmploymentLanky9544
“I get that.”
“I’m the only biracial on my mom’s side, and they all made really racist jokes to me from as young as I can remember.”
“I used to get upset, but that only made it worse, so I ended up going along with it to cope.”
“I could pretend like it didn’t hurt as much if I were part of the joke rather than just the butt of it.”
“Once I turned 18, though, I pretty much cut contact and haven’t spoken to them since, and refuse to tolerate this from anyone else.”
“You’re an adult now.”
“You need to stand up for yourself.”
“Passivity and ‘being part of the joke’ only does harm.”
“Stand your ground and go to HR.” ~ Puzzled-Ice-1270
“NTA – You’re absolutely right that it’s not something you should have to tolerate or explain.”
“You should consider saying something anyway.”
“People end up like your friend by having too many enablers and not enough people telling her that she’s wrong.”
“At least from my experience, a lot of people who are ‘ironically racist’ end up being actually racist.”
“It’s messed up that YOU have to be the one to explain that to her, though.” ~ Aestro17
“NTA and not going to lie, your friend is racist.”
“Like, I get some people make off-color jokes, but it sounds like she’s been pushing the envelope as far as she can to see what she can get away with.”
“Non racist people don’t play around with slurs like that.”
“Like, there’s a line between jokes that are racial and jokes that are racist and slurs like that cross it.”
“Get new friends.” ~ chalksea
“NTA, and in case it matters, I spend a lot of time researching early Chinese communities in the U.S. Even in the 1890s, when that term was thrown around casually constantly and appeared in the newspapers unredacted, people did not use it neutrally.”
“I know it doesn’t matter in terms of how it affects you, but I want to be clear that this is not a euphemism treadmill situation where the polite terminology has shifted, and she hasn’t caught up yet.”
“It has been pejorative for well over a century.” ~ New_Bumblebee8290
“NTA. These people are not your friends.”
“They are racist, AH.”
“Please stay away from them and let them simmer in their a**holish soup.”
“They know why.” ~ Sarcasticalopias
“NTA— she was waiting for an excuse to say it.”
“She doesn’t like you.”
“My non-white friends and I joke in moderation about some stuff, like ‘Finally got rid of the token minority,’ ‘You’re just saying that because I’m black/asian/indian/etc,’ very lighthearted and very sparse.”
“Those are occasional, very occasional, jokes.”
“None of us would ever dream of using a slur like that.”
“Doesn’t matter if it’s in jest, doesn’t matter if she says she didn’t mean it, she said it because she meant it, because she wanted to, and because she finally found an excuse to.”
“Don’t fall for it.”
“Steer clear.”
“She does not have your best interest at heart, and she actively wants to harm you; she just doesn’t want to be seen as doing that.” ~ GrillMaster3
“She’s not your friend, even if she is still your coworker.”
“She called you a racial slur and a sexist slur (women can be sexist towards other women). I don’t think your other coworkers are friends either, if they accepted the statement about getting rid of the only minority member as a ‘joke.'”
“If you have the option, I’d look for work elsewhere.”
“You’re NTA, but I don’t expect this to get better.”
“If you’ve got one person vocalizing their bigotry and others are laughing at it and downplaying your upset, then you’re surrounded by bigots who are only going to get more comfortable being open about it with time.”
“Given your ages and what little detail there is here, I’d guess you’re not working somewhere with an accessible HR department.”
“Yes, yes, they’re not there to protect employees, but they MIGHT care about openly racist employees bringing them the risk of lawsuits.'”
“So I’m not even going to suggest trying to fight this at the institutional level.”
“Say something if you like.”
“Maybe she’s a borderline case and might be called back to the side of not-bigots if what you say hits her the right way and she’s not in too deep already.”
“But definitely drop her, and be very wary of or straight up drop the rest of her little giggling crew.”
“None of them are your friends, even if it would be nice if they were.” ~ SadFaithlessness3637
“People seem intent on testing the limits of what is acceptable and not acceptable to say.”
“Calling people the c-word, the n-word, the b-word, and any number of other ignorant, bigoted names, even in jest have crept back into everyday conversations.”
“The only way it stops is if we ALL speak up about it for our own group and for others.”
“We have to teach people how to treat people when they seem to have no idea.”
“Don’t let people think that in order for you to be their friend, you have to put up with racial slurs.”
“Don’t put up with them for your own group or any other group.”
“If your ‘friend’ thinks you’re mad about her ignorant insult, maybe she should. “
“If you don’t have the strength to tell her directly, at least find a way to let a mutual friend know that you found her comment to be offensive and over the line.”
“From there, you will be able to see whether preserving any kind of friendly relationship with her is warranted. “
“Clarity helps. NTA.” ~ NeatNefariousness1
“NTA. She is not your friend, and that is not a joke!!!”
“Real friends don’t joke about racism.”
“You should definitely say something, then drop her.”
“I am so sorry you have to deal with this, and in a professional environment, too.”
“I’d report her to HR.” ~ 1RainbowUnicorn
This is a serious situation, OP.
Reddit is 100% with you.
If you have an HR department, it may be a good idea to talk with them.
No one has to be fired, but some boundaries should be discussed.
Good Luck.